Grief Project: How to Make A Remembrance Wish Ball Ornament

This holiday season I wanted to do something special for my little girl.  I wanted to remember her in a unique way.  I have done many things, including dedicating a little tree just to her, hanging her stocking up next to Nick, George, and mine, along with my newest way, creating wish ball ornaments.

I read the idea of making an ornament like this in Techniques of Grief Therapy, by Robert A. Neimeyer.  Then I decided I wanted to make my own so I Googled it and couldn't find exactly what I was looking for.  I did however, find a wonderful example of a wish ball Christmas ornament so I decided to make my own based off of a Christmas wedding party idea I found.

Each year I have decided to make one of these wish balls for my wishes I hold for Nora (I included Nick's wishes in the ball too).  I wrote not only wishes but messages I want to share with her but can't as she is no longer with us.  Message that include:

"I want you to know I love you forever and always will."  and  "Daddy wishes he could hold you."  Things like that and then I create this cool wish ball pictured above.

If you would like to know how to make one then just follow this 5 step tutorial.  Let me know what you think and if you make your own send me a picture of it on Instagram, just tag me @Stillbreathinglindsey

Okay here is the directions.  Enjoy!

 

Things to note.  I used card stock to print out my wishes and messages to Nora on.  I also included other sayings like her name and the current year.  Oh, and it works best to get larger bulbs along with using a screw driver or pencil to help push the wishes into place once you get them into the ball.  Finally, you could use colored paper along with adding tinsel, glitter, or other fun stuff, to the wish ball, but I like the clean look above.  Your choice.

Good luck and may your wishes for your child too soon be captured in this memory wish ball each year.  

Knocked Up Blogger Week 19 - Five Things to be Grateful for During Pregnancy

Here is what I am thankful for today on this Thanksgiving Day and during pregnancy!  Check it out on my post for Pregnancy & Newborn Magazine by clicking here.  Happy Thanksgiving!

This month, as Thanksgiving approached I had set a personal goal of cultivating an “attitude of gratitude” and to notice each day what I was thankful for, be it my husband or comfy pair of socks. The one thing that I am truly grateful for this year is to be pregnant again, no matter how challenging being expecting again after a loss might be. I’m so appreciative to be caring life inside me once more and the more I think about it, the more I realize there are things about pregnancy that I’m SO grateful to experience that I think I might have took for granted in my last pregnancy. So, today in celebrating the holiday of giving thanks, here are five reasons I’m thankful during pregnancy.

Ultrasounds and Dopplers: Our next ultrasound is next week! I’m so scared and anxious, but very grateful for the medical technology that helps me connect and create memories of my baby before he or she is even born. Ultrasounds and the Doppler allow me (and daddy too) to bond with the little one through all the stages of pregnancy, from hearing the heartbeat for the first time to seeing the little one grow from a bean into a tiny person inside me, all the while creating memories along the way. I also get PICTURES!!! I love pictures.

Movement: Oh, how I LOVE movement! But the little pokes, jabs, and rolls are complicated experience for me as I remember back to my last pregnancy and how I could always feel my daughter move every day, until one day, I didn’t anymore. Feeling this little bean’s movement is scary because for me it means that one day it might stop, but to stay sane I just focus on how every day this baby’s kicks get stronger and with each new kick I smile as I am SO grateful for the life these movements signify. I felt this baby move for the first time while sitting in a meeting at work.  The bonk, bonk, from the inside brought tears to my eyes as I was over joyed and thankful to feel life inside my womb once again.

Being able to get pregnant: The ability to get pregnant has been fairly easy (so far) for my husband and I and I realize this isn’t always the case for some people.  I’ve met many beautiful, deserving, and caring woman in the loss community who have tried for years to get pregnant and then when they finally get the “plus sign” only down the road, experience the loss of their precious child. My heartaches for those who struggle for years to get pregnant only to experience loss, so today I am grateful for being able to get pregnant.

A beautiful belly: A pregnant woman’s silhouette is so stunning. It’s a powerful site if you really think about it. Your body is making room for life, budding and expanding as needed to bring your precious baby into this world. This pregnancy, more than the last, I have learned to embrace my emergent belly as a sign that existence is taking form within me. There is so much beauty in this and where there is beauty I find gratitude for it.

A chance at parenting again: Even after the loss of a child you still parent your baby you are missing only now you must parent their memory. Wanting to parent a living child is not a desire to replace my daughter, as she is irreplaceable and I will always miss her and wonder who she might have been. However, with being pregnant again I hold hope for one day parenting a child that I can hold in my arms and not only in my heart. I’m grateful for that hope, and that chance.

An Interview with Tova Gold - Why Muchness Matters in Grief

For the month of November I have been focusing on having an attitude and gratitude to help soften my grief.  I know my grief will always be with me, but I also want to find joy in life again.  For my grief project this month, I decided to focus my mind on the possibilities and the positives in life to help lift some of the darkness.  So far it’s working, but I’m always up for more advice.
 
So today to help us learn more about how our attitude can affect our ability to find healing and joy again we welcome Tova Gold a fellow bereaved mother, author, and creator of the concept of “Finding Your Muchness.”

Lindsey: Welcome Tova! Let’s get started.  What is muchness for those who don’t know?

Tova: Muchness is the light that lives inside you. It is the unique voice of joy and quirkiness and confidence that we are all born with.

Lindsey: How did you first decide to find your muchness?

Tova: Well, I suppose I decided to find it before I knew the word for it. I'd felt lost for a long time. I felt disconnected from myself, and like the talk in my head was all negative. I felt invisible and like I was just going through the motions of life.

Lindsey: How did finding your muchness affect your grief after the death of your twin daughters?

Tova: After my daughters died I was brought to the darkest place I'd ever known. As I sank into my grief I started to realize that in order to cope with that loss, I also had to find myself. I made the decision to start wearing happy, sparkly clothes. It was a way for me to create moments of joy even in the midst of the grief. It was then that I first heard the word Muchness and realized that the sparkle was helping me tap into a light inside me. Pulling that light out and sharing it with others ultimately reintroduced me to my creativity, my confidence, and ultimately, it became my purpose. To share the knowledge that we ALL have Muchness and it lives inside of us.

Lindsey: Why do you think there is so much power in muchness?

Tova: I think it resonates with people because it is really a word for that indescribable 'thing' - that thing that lives in our gut that we know, and yet we so often lose sight of. When we are not expressing our Muchness we are living in a shadow of who we are meant to be, and somewhere inside us, we know this. Knowing that your Muchness exists and having a name for it--- it's almost like being granted permission to let your Muchness shine.

Lindsey: Is my muchness the same as yours?

Tova: It depends how you mean "Muchness." - I refer to sequins and sparkle as my Muchness, because that is a tool I use to help me connect to my inner light and creativity. In that sense, I imagine no, your Muchness is different. (Though, for the record, sparkle and sequins is a good tool to help anyone tap into their Muchness…. at least initially) However- that feeling of expressing your Muchness, I believe is the same for everyone. It is that decision to  live from the inside out, authentically, happily and celebrating life's little joyous moments.

Lindsey: Can you point us in the right direction to help us find our muchness please?

Tova: I always tell people to start with their #MuchnessMoments. Those moments when you are ignited, inspired or invigorated just for a tiny moment. When you grasp onto those moments, celebrate them, document them, you'll start to feel rhythyms and see patterns - and then proactively create more Muchness Moments! It's really incredible what taking stock of your Muchness Moments can lead you to discover…. and it starts tiny.


Lindsey: Tova, it has been an honor to have you here today on the blog.  I am inspired by everything you do and look forward to your upcoming TEDx Hoboken Women talk where we can learn more about how to find our muchness. I’m also extremely grateful you thought of me as a contributor for your first book,  Finding Your Muchness FUNBook that will be coming out hopefully by the beginning of December.

Tova: I am so excited to have you in the book! Although we've met our fundraising goal, we are still looking to meet our stretch goals and deliver additional goodies with the book. Thank you Lindsey for being a  part of it and for having me on your site! I'm truly honored!

Tova Gold is a mother, fashion designer turned recent author, inspirational speaker, and leading muchness finder.  She is hard at work spreading her beautiful message about the power of muchness along with sparkles around the world.  You can learn more about Tova’s story by visiting her website Finding My Muchness or by liking her Facebook page.  If you like the idea of finding your muchness then consider purchasing Tova’s new book Finding Your Muchness FUNBOOK or tuning in for her TEDx Hoboken Women Talk.  Tova is also a monthly contributor to Still Standing Magazine.

Knocked Up Blogger Week 18: Hormones, grief and joy, oh my!

I'm writing about the confusion of pregnancy after loss over at Pregnancy & Newborn Magazine today.  Check it out by clicking here.

Lately, I have been extremely hormonal. I don’t like it when hormones get blamed for a woman’s slight change of behavior once a month or when a woman, seven months pregnant, cries in the aisle of the grocery store because she can’t decide between chocolate or vanilla ice cream. I think that’s stereotypical and just plain judgmental, but I do have to admit that recently my pregnancy hormones have intensified my tears.

One thing to note is that before I became a parent and before experiencing pregnancy loss, I was not a crier. You would be hard pressed to see my eyes moisten at a sappy movie or during special occasions, but grief and parenthood, I believe, crack you wide open and allow a world of vulnerability and tenderness to settle into your heart and take up residence there for what seems to be until it decides to one day stop pumping.

Combining the natural hormonal ups and downs of pregnancy with grief has proven to be a bumpy ride as of late. I notice in this pregnancy I cry ALL the time now. I get moved to tears by moments of sorrow, such as this morning when I was brushing my hair and missing my daughter as I thought about how she should be soon approaching her first birthday and wearing silly pink tutu’s, but then realizing that this will never be.

At other times tears happen more out of frustration than they did in the past, with traffic jams and deadlines that once used to be manageable, now seem insurmountable and the only course of action I appear to have to take is to weep. Then, at other times, my eyes get sopping wet while watching cheerful moments in Sunday afternoon made for T.V. movies when the couple in love kiss for the first time or the under-dog team wins the game. It’s as if during pregnancy my eyes are always puffy and wet from the most recent moment of grief or joy that so easily captured my heart, and then breaks me open to the tragedy and beauty of the world.

I don’t know. It’s just all so confusing, having to experience sorrow, happiness, and hormones all at once. Maybe my tears are just a result of the wacky pregnancy hormones or maybe it’s learning how to hold the grief of a child lost and joy of the potential promise of a new one in the same space, with a heart that is broken but oh so full of love for them both. Maybe, it’s just being a parent, or maybe, for me and for those who have experienced pregnancy after a loss, it’s just how it is.

Knocked Up Blogger Week 17 - The Doppler debate

It's Thursday again and time for another update about baby #2.  To read more about my rainbow pregnancy check out my Knocked Up Blogger post at Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine by clicking here.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the Doppler debate?

Flub, flub, flub.  Hearing the heartbeat calms my nerves for a few seconds, as the nurse lets the Doppler linger a little longer than what I believe is normal on my small but swollen belly. At 17 weeks I’m at a scary stage where the morning sickness has subsided but I can’t really tell if I’ve felt the baby move yet.  I mean I feel flutters, but they could be gas or stomach gurgles for all I know. I’m still nervous about getting my hopes up that it might actually be a baby moving inside me. So hearing flub, flub, flub, provides me with a few minutes of relief from the fear of not knowing.

It’s not always this smooth.  The seconds or minutes in the space between putting the blue goo on my belly and the nurse or doctor being able to decipher between my heartbeat, and finding the babies is still terrifying.  Each time I catch myself holding my breath until the 160 beat per minute flub, flub, flub, musical sound echoes of the silent exam room walls.  My doctor reassures me I can come in and hear the heartbeat at any time and I remember when I took her up on this offer earlier in my pregnancy.

I went in at 12 weeks to hear the baby’s heart beat and was only re-traumatized as the nurse could not find it and fumbled around awkwardly as I started having flashbacks to 9 months ago when this similar situation broke my heart.  The nurse finally had to call a doctor in to do an ultrasound.  Twenty minutes later, I was reassured that baby was fine by seeing the little bean bouncing around on the black and white screen, but the minutes leading up to that moment where torture.

A friend recently asked me at dinner if I would get an at home Doppler during this pregnancy. In the recent days after my loss I would have said YES!!!  I thought my anxiety would be calmed by having a home Doppler—after hearing those awful words in the delivery room that no mother wants to hear, “No heartbeat”—but even after reassuring appointments, and some somewhat terrifying ones, I’m unsure of my answer.  It seems as if I am finding excuses to run to the doctor for an appointment to hear the baby’s heart beat if more than a week has gone by since my last visit. One would think that I would want an at home Doppler, but I fear that it would become more of an obsession.  Also, I think about if I couldn’t find the heartbeat out of operator error like the nurse at my 12-week appointment. If this happened I believe it would just be adding extra anxiety and trauma to my life.

After talking with other expecting moms after a loss, I see that there is a debate about having an at home Doppler.  Some moms who have experienced a loss find it reassuring and say, “Totally worth it! It calmed my nerves.  Whenever I was anxious I used it.”  While others have had unnecessarily unnerving experiences and panic when everything was actually okay, but the Doppler could not pick up the heartbeat for whatever reason.

I’m not so sure I’m ready to take that chance.  For now, I think I will just take my doctor up on the office visits to use the Doppler and hear the baby’s heartbeat in the clinic.  But, my choice isn’t for everyone and who knows, maybe I will change my mind further down the road.  In the meantime, what’s your take on the Doppler debate?