Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Three Minutes.

My heart was beating so fast I could hear it in my ears.  It was the loudest sound in the bathroom.  I closed my eyes to ground myself as I wish the pounding away, but not too far as I am reminded of the pain that comes from losing a heartbeat.

Standing up to pull up my pants and place the pregnancy test on the edge of the sink I look at my watch.  Three minutes.  That is how long I need to wait.  Wait to see if the future holds joyful anticipation or despairing defeat.  I am trembling with an odd feeling of hopefulness and sadness.  

I quickly check the test to make sure the 1st “blue line” shows up to register that I have peed on the stick correctly and my result will be accurate.  I have done this ritual a handful of times but I still reach for the directions every time. "Wait three minutes until reading results."

One minute has passed now. 

A sense of nausea floods me and I lay on the cool bathroom floor to cool my nerves.  I want to vomit.  The mixed emotions of fear overwhelm me.  I think that maybe if I let myself vomit all the psychological confusion will be exercised from my body like a demon leaving my soul.

Two minutes.

I check the test – no blue line yet.  My need to throw up dissipates and settles into a low grade anxious stomach ache.  Anxiety over hoping I get another chance at motherhood and nervous that this month the dream might not come true.

Three minutes.

Now I must muster up courage.  Courage to get up off the floor and look at the little pregnancy test sitting on the corner of the sink.  I lift the little stick to my eyes and feel I already know the results.


Is what the stick reads.  No second blue line.  My hope turns to frustration.  And I toss the test into the garbage and wait another month to try again.


  1. Thank you for sharing this, you are so brave.

  2. So very brave. So sorry it is not now. Sending love.

  3. It is so frustrating to be in this mode. It is where we are at too. Waiting each month just to wait for those 3 minutes. Sending good thoughts to you.

  4. Those 3 minutes are SO unbelievably hard. I'm praying for you mama <3

  5. Ugh, I feel your pain. We experienced that wait for too long. Thanks for sharing and keep pressing on!

  6. I'm sorry, Lindsey. So hard. It makes the month very long.

  7. Came across your blog today. We lost our twin baby girls back in June. Thank you for your writing, for your hopefulness and unfortunately for understanding this feeling of grief. Thank you and I will continue to pray for miracles.

  8. It doesnt get any easier...I was so elated when I got pregnant on the first try, especially when the Dr said it wouldn't be a good cycle. That pregnancy ended barely a few weeks after I could start to feel it. Even once I knew it was not viable, I used to do a kind of abdominal crunch as a way of hugging the baby that would not be .. almost as if I could hug them back to life. That was five years ago, and I've stopped counting the test sticks... But haven't given up hope of one day seeing that second blue line again!

  9. Just read your October news that you are 15 weeks along. So, when did you finally get a positive test ?

  10. I got a positive test a few days before this post. I had already written it about the previous month and had it scheduled to post. I didn't really believe I was pregnant either. I thought (and still sometimes fear) that I would never be that lucky again. Right now I'm just hanging on.


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