Friday, March 27, 2015

You are one.

You are one.

I never thought this day would come.

Your life from the very beginning has been over shadowed by death.

Not yours, but by your sister’s.

You, my beautiful life filled Zoe, with sweet tooth filled smiles and wrinkled nose giggles, were born out of the shadows of darkness and brought me into the light, like a lotus flower reaching for the sun through the black mud.

You. Zoe. I have feared for your life since before you were even conceived. From the day your sister died I was afraid you would too.

I also worried that you would be a replacement.  A child whose identity would be tainted by loss and forever live in the shadow of the older sibling never to be.

Oh but my sweet, sweet jovial Zoe!  I know now that this was my story and no longer has to be yours.  You may have been the life that sprouted from death but my dear darling daughter that does not define you.

You adoring daughter, you! You are ZOE! Not your sister.  Not Nora.  Not a replacement and not a shadowed life lived tainted by loss. 

No.  You are LIFE, not the result of a death that happened before. 

There is so much to you. 

You are the girl who laughs through her teeth when her daddy chases her around the furniture in the living room. 

You are the girl who smiles at me with a crinkled nose and bright wide hazel eyes when I tickle your toes.

You are the girl that gives hugs and kisses to those she knows and stares with a watchful eye at strangers who have not made their loved deserved.

You are the girl who steals socks from her doggy George and babbles with mama and dada when you walk across the kitchen floor with knobby knees and a stick waddle.

You are the girl who put back together the pieces of my heart when they were broken, shattered, and thrown widely across the hard wood floor of life and scattered beyond repair.  

You Zoe girl!  You are the girl who brought colors back to life again.  Who made the days less dull and the nights full of laughter instead of tears.  You Zoe girl!  You are the girl who made hugs feel fuller and kisses seem sweeter and my life beautiful again.

You Zoe girl!  You! You are the girl who brought me out of the depths of darkness and back to life.

You. Zoe.  You are life.  You are you and only you.

And today…

You are one.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl! 

Love Always & Forever,



  1. Beautiful. This gives me such hope. My little rainbow is 4 months old. I miscarried her sister at 16 weeks and became pregnant with her 3 months later. I have always feared that she would be a replacement too, but also, there are moments of such joy and wonder that I know she is not. I am not quite where you are in this parenting after loss journey but I hope to be by her first birthday.

  2. Rainbow babies are so magical. But it's so hard to put down that feeling that something bad will happen at any moment. I know I thought that if I were on guard, then I would be protected. I thought if I didn't connect, then my heart wouldn't be broken.

    Oh, the games we play with ourselves. And they're so meaningless, as it was never my fault, there was nothing I could do, and my heart would have been broken if I'd lost another child.

    And of course, there is a magic in a rainbow baby. Not that they take the pain away. And not that they replace the other. But that they bring hope back.

    Happy Birthday, Little One. And happy birthday to you, too, Mama.

  3. This is beautiful! As i wait for the arrival of a baby conceived after the death of my first baby when he was a month old, i worry about being able to offer him/her a life not completely shadowed by sadness and grief... I hold on to the hope that the love i already feel for this tiny human growing in me will allow me to give him the full life he/she deserves. And reading your words helps me to believe.

    Happy birthday Zoe!

  4. My rainbow girl is turning one tomorrow and it's exactly the same feeling!!! Thanks for put it into words

  5. Beautiful. Thanks. I'm now going into week 22 with our rainbow baby girl, Joy. Her older sister, Faith was stillborn on April 15, 2014 at 24w 2d due to IC. Joy's due date is 4 days after Faith's, so almost exact timing of pregnancy as last year. I have a preventative cerclage, seeing a MFM specialist biweekly, & weekly progesterone shots. So far all is going well. Thanks again so much!

  6. So beautiful! I can only imagine how healing a little rainbow can be in your life. I wonder if I can take it on .. I want to be there's fear too as she was stillborn at term! I hope Zoe had a lovely birthday x

  7. Thanks everyone for your kind replies.


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