First Knocked Up Blogger Post - Week 15: Pregnant again, after loss–leaning into excitement

I am excited and nervous to announce my first post as the Knocked Up Blogger for Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine.  This is where you will be able to follow my journey through pregnancy again after loss. To join in my excitement check out the weekly posts here. I'm looking forward to sharing my lessons learned from this experience with all of you.

(Photo Credit to Pregnancy & Newborn Magazine)

Being pregnant with baby No. 2 has been a bittersweet journey.  My first baby, my daughter Nora, was stillborn at 40 weeks, after a PERFECT pregnancy, due to an infection that happened just hours before she was to be born.  It’s been 15 weeks since we found out we were pregnant for the second time, only 9 months after losing Nora.

I can recall standing shoulder to shoulder with my husband this past August, two days before I would miss my period, holding the pregnancy test parallel to our eyes, examining the thin blue lines with nervous anticipation as all expectant couples do.  “That’s not a line.”  Nick said, breaking the silence.  “It’s too faint.”

I replied with, “Yes it is.  Look here, the directions say ANY line is a POSTIVE result.” I explained while pointing to the thin, flimsy instructions in my hand.

He shrugged his shoulders and said, “It’s too early. You haven’t even missed your period yet.”

“I know.” I said as I looked down and walked back to the bathroom as I nonchalantly threw the test in the garbage. The excitement of being pregnant again had left before it had a chance to arrive.  It wasn’t there anymore. The innocence was gone and the emotions of this new pregnancy were now being held hostage by the disappointments of the previous one.

At that moment, I remembered how I creatively told Nick, over a year and half ago that we were pregnant with our first child, wrapping the positive pregnancy test in a green string bow and silently placing it in his hands on the day we moved into our new home. When he looked down at the test, my beautiful, gentle, husband began to cry and muttered the words, “I’m going to be a dad?”  I could only shake my head in agreement with a proud smile.  There was jubilation then.  There was pure innocence.  There was EXCITEMENT.

This time around, we are fighting to find excitement again.  We had planned on being parents to a living baby just 9 months ago and now the prospect of expecting again is a scary adventure, one wrapped in anxiety and the fear of what if?   What if it happens again?  How will I get through this emotionally, mentally, and physically?  Will I come home from the hospital with a baby in my arms instead of a hole in my heart? I hope I do, as the doctors say there isn’t any reason to suspect that another baby will pass away due to a fluke infection like my daughter did.  I have lost my pregnancy innocence as it has been taken from me and I’m not sure how to get it back.

Learning to have faith in the process of pregnancy, to trust fate, and the possibility of a new life this time has been hard to say the least.  Over the past 15 weeks, we waited like any other expectant parents do to get past the first 12 weeks and into the ‘safe zone’ when we can allow ourselves to feel more anticipation, more joy.  But, Nick and I have learned there is no ‘safe zone’, not for us.  That still doesn’t mean that we should push away joy, ignore excitement.  This is a lesson I am learning.

So, to lean into excitement, to connect with pregnancy again, and to have faith that the car seat waiting in the parking garage at the hospital will this time come home full instead of empty, we have started taking belly pictures.  We did this with baby No.1 starting at 8 weeks.  This time Nick suggested we do it differently.  We will keep track with monthly seasonal pictures, like a calendar of a growing baby bump. We will continue to take these baby steps forward in learning how to embrace the possibility of excitement in a new pregnancy after the loss of a previous one.  As Nick likes to say, “While all other pregnant couples are expecting, we are hoping.”  I hope that besides bringing a baby home from the hospital this time, we will also find joy and delightful anticipation in the beauty of pregnancy again.

Letters to Nora - Do You Want to Be a Big Sister?

 October 26th, 2013

Dear Sweet Nora,

I have something to tell you.  I'm not sure how you will take it, as you will have a new role to play. It's one of the hardest jobs there is for a little girl, trust me, I know, I am one.  Your dad and I want to tell you that you are going to be a BIG SISTER!!! What do you think of that?  I hope it makes you happy.  It makes your dad and I happy.  Well, actually we are incredibly scared, confused, terrified, excited, angry and sometimes I am indifferent to the whole idea, mostly because I'm so scared. Don't get me wrong, we want another child, but I really wanted you to know we also did and still do really want YOU!

Don't worry honey, you will always be our first child.  I remember one night after you passed when I was laying in bed next to Nick and I began to cry.  He gently asked, "Honey are you okay?" and I replied, "I was just thinking, how...my first child will never actually get to know what it is like to be the first born.  You know, like I did."  I cried then.  I cry now as I write this.

I really wanted you and me to share that.  Share what it is like to be the oldest. You know, it's special and there is a lot of responsibility that comes with that. But hopefully, honey you can, in some way I just might not understand, some way, you can still be a big sister. I will make sure your younger brother or sister knows about you and how special you are to your dad and I.

The other night I asked your dad if he thinks the new baby will be a boy or girl, he said he doesn't care as long as the baby is alive and healthy.  Then, he paused for a moment, and as I was laying in his arms looking up at him as you probably would have if you were here, he said, "I kind of hope it's a girl.  I don't know...maybe if it were a girl...I know it sounds crazy, but maybe...maybe...it would be like Nora is coming back to us in a way.  I know we can't replace her, but maybe it would feel like that."  I held him tight and gave him a hug for me but also a secret one for you because I know you would like that answer.  Your dad thinks of you all the time as do I.

Just so you know, we are 15 weeks now and with great hesitancy I plan on sharing our past experiences over these past weeks, here on Thursdays for who is interested in your story and new baby's story.  Nora, it's so scary to write about another pregnancy after losing you.

I hope Nora, that you like being a big sister.  I know at times it can be down right awful, but I think in the end you will find great joy in it, like I do.  Honey, there is one thing I want you to know, and that is you will NEVER be replaced in our hearts.

Love Always & Forever,

Mom

Inspirational Bereaved Parent - Guest Post from Rodger & Leann Creators of Kyleigh's Gift Fund

Today I am honored to welcome Rodger and Leann, Kyleigh’s mom and dad.  Both are an INSPIRATION as in memory of their daughter they created the Kyleigh’s Gift fund that is working towards bringing Halo sleep sacks to every newborn at their local hospital along with planning a walk/run for next October 2014.  The legacy of love Rodger and Leann are creating in Kyleigh's name is beautiful.  I hope you enjoy their story as much as I do.  

At the end of what was a healthy, normal pregnancy, we were excited to welcome a new baby into our family of four. What we did not expect was to leave the hospital without our only daughter. Due to complications during delivery, our baby girl passed away at birth. On April 5, 2012, Kyleigh Elizabeth, was born into the arms of Jesus and our lives were changed forever.

As we were planning Kyleigh’s Celebration of Life, we knew that she was given to us for a reason. She was placed on this earth, albeit only inside of her mother’s womb, to make a difference. We decided to start a fund, Kyleigh’s Gift, at the hospital where she and her two brothers were born. “The Weller family created the Kyleigh’s Gift Fund as a way to not only keep Kyleigh’s memory alive, but to recognize the loving care and support that they have and continue to receive from the Birthing Center doctors, nurses and staff.” – The Liberty Hospital Foundation, http://www.libertyhospitalfoundation.org

The Kyleigh’s Gift fund is currently working on providing Halo sleep sacks to every newborn at Liberty Hospital. We hope to launch this project in January 2014. It is our way of reaching out to all families who deliver at the birthing center and provide a tool to encourage safe sleeping habits. We are doing what we can to prevent other families from going through the unimaginable pain of losing a child at any age and of any cause. We are also in the early stages of planning a run/walk event for October 2014, to not only support the Birthing Center, but to bring awareness of pregnancy and infant loss. While the Kyleigh’s Gift fund is still very much in the early stages, our goal is to ultimately share Kyleigh’s story, honor all babies born and find a meaningful way to support other pregnancy and infant loss bereaved families.

A blog, http://kyleighsgift.com, and Facebook page by the same name, Kyleigh’s Gift, have also been established in Kyleigh’s memory. We not only share our journey of grief and faith through both of these avenues, but also bring awareness to pregnancy and infant loss. By sharing our daughter’s story and how she has changed our lives, we are healing and hopefully bringing healing to others.

Rodger, a software manager, and Leann, a stay at home mom, have been blessed with five children; two sons, ages 3 and 6, and three babies in heaven, two lost to miscarriage and their daughter, Kyleigh.

Faces of Grief - A Photographic Display of the Experience of Grief after the Loss of a Child

With this piece I put together moments of my grief captured on film from the first moments of my daughter's entrance into this world to 10 months after her death.  

I used color to emphasizes lighter moments, moments when grief was not as strong, but included darkness in every photo to highlight that grief still lives in the soul even months later.  

The placing of the photos is purposeful, to show how grief is deep and darkest at first, traumatic in nature.  Then over time in ebbs and flows, moments of sorrow lift, but also return, moving in and out at different rates, with no rhyme or reason. 

This was an experiment in exploring my grief through art and photography this month as a way to integrate my journey of grief into my larger life story.

October Grief Project - Creative Expression: Healing Through the Arts

 "Without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable." 

~George Bernard Shaw

Oscar Wilde once said, "It is through art and through art only that we can realize our perfection; through art and art only that we can shield ourselves from the sordid perils of actual existence." I would go one step further and say that not only does art protect us from the jeopardies of the world, it teaches us, strengthens us, and allows us to participate in all the wonderful and excruciating emotions of our actual existence. We have seen this throughout civilization; artwork of all kinds, paintings, sculptures, poems, plays, etc., through the generations, depicting our deepest depths of grief.

 (The Angel of Grief is an 1894 sculpture and gravestone by William Wetmore Story for him and his wife.) 

(The Sick Child by Edvard Munch as a depiction of the moments before his sisters death at age 15 to tuberculous.)

Why art for grief one might ask?  To some it seems natural and the answer would be 'why not' to others it may seem out of their comfort zone.  But there is something transcendent about art, something in the process of making it, looking at it, dreaming it into life, that is truly powerful.  Art helps us access the experiences that lie beneath grief, it touches and grabs hold of the unspoken emotions that word's often can't find.  If you participate in an art activity to process your grief, you might find that through the paint brush, the pen, or the photo lens, you will come across a sense of healing that your tongue just can't express.

In in the field of psychotherapy, art therapy is a valid and relied upon method of exploring ones grief. "Creative expression often bypasses intellect to allow a greater range of emotions than talk therapy alone can evoke." states Sandra L. Bertma, in her review of The Art of Grief: The Use of Expressive Arts in Grief Support Groups.  Recent neuroscience supports this claim as cognitive neuroscience has shown that while trauma is still fresh, the language center of the brain becomes suppressed, inhibiting our ability to recall memories. Nancy Gershman, in her article in Techniques of Grief Therapy states that "the preferred mood of communication for the emotional brain is the language of sensory images, metaphors, and symbols."  This is where art comes in as a form of accessing the emotional brain for healing through it's language of images instead of spoken words. 

For the month of October, while you haven't been looking (well, I haven't been posting), I have been focusing on using creative expression through the arts to explore and integrate my grief.  So far, this month I have participated in photography to capture my feelings of grief, I tried different painting and collage techniques to explore my emotions through different senses, as well as writing exercises and listening to music to move towards finding a sense of calm within my internal storm of sorrow.

I hope you follow along as in the last few days of October I will be sharing my projects and my experience with each one here on Stillborn and Still Breathing.  I look forward to your comments and sharing of your own experiences with using art to address your grief as I know so many in the community do.  When you see my artwork, remember, I am an amateur at creative expression, but I hope it's process, not necessarily the finished product will help soothe my soul. And if you partake in a creative release, I hope you too can find the gift in the journey of the creation and not judge the outcome as we as humans often like to do.  

Resources

Reconceiving Loss provides a place to use creativity to explore grief after pregnancy loss through writing, photography, and yoga exercises.   

Illuminate is a beautiful FREE photography course offered by Beryl Young, fellow loss mom.  She started this course after finding photography as an important step in her healing journey and then wanted to share her knowledge with others.

Art4Healing is a organization that offers web courses for those interested in using art to heal their emotional pain.  I did not find courses centered around grief and loss, but there are some wonderful course that would still address the topic.

Made is a course offered by Beth Morey, fellow loss mom.  Her course would fit those who are of Christian faith looking to explore their new self after loss through creativity.  The course's main focus is on exploring God-centered creativity, but there are many healing components.