October 26th, 2013
Dear Sweet Nora,
I have something to tell you. I'm not sure how you will take it, as you will have a new role to play. It's one of the hardest jobs there is for a little girl, trust me, I know, I am one. Your dad and I want to tell you that you are going to be a BIG SISTER!!! What do you think of that? I hope it makes you happy. It makes your dad and I happy. Well, actually we are incredibly scared, confused, terrified, excited, angry and sometimes I am indifferent to the whole idea, mostly because I'm so scared. Don't get me wrong, we want another child, but I really wanted you to know we also did and still do really want YOU!
Don't worry honey, you will always be our first child. I remember one night after you passed when I was laying in bed next to Nick and I began to cry. He gently asked, "Honey are you okay?" and I replied, "I was just thinking, how...my first child will never actually get to know what it is like to be the first born. You know, like I did." I cried then. I cry now as I write this.
I really wanted you and me to share that. Share what it is like to be the oldest. You know, it's special and there is a lot of responsibility that comes with that. But hopefully, honey you can, in some way I just might not understand, some way, you can still be a big sister. I will make sure your younger brother or sister knows about you and how special you are to your dad and I.
The other night I asked your dad if he thinks the new baby will be a boy or girl, he said he doesn't care as long as the baby is alive and healthy. Then, he paused for a moment, and as I was laying in his arms looking up at him as you probably would have if you were here, he said, "I kind of hope it's a girl. I don't know...maybe if it were a girl...I know it sounds crazy, but maybe...maybe...it would be like Nora is coming back to us in a way. I know we can't replace her, but maybe it would feel like that." I held him tight and gave him a hug for me but also a secret one for you because I know you would like that answer. Your dad thinks of you all the time as do I.
Just so you know, we are 15 weeks now and with great hesitancy I plan on sharing our past experiences over these past weeks, here on Thursdays for who is interested in your story and new baby's story. Nora, it's so scary to write about another pregnancy after losing you.
I hope Nora, that you like being a big sister. I know at times it can be down right awful, but I think in the end you will find great joy in it, like I do. Honey, there is one thing I want you to know, and that is you will NEVER be replaced in our hearts.
Love Always & Forever,