Moments

Our life is filled with them.  Sometimes you are at the center of a moment, like when you score the winning shot in the basketball game and your team gathers around congratulating you.  Or at times a moment is just for you and another person, like the first glance shared between two young lovers.  The moment when your eyes meet for the first time and your soul connects without even whispering a word aloud, but one is said between your hearts.

Then there are more notable moments. Moments that change your life. Some for good, some for bad, some for forever.  Good moments, like when you scream "YES!" or in my case "Of course!" in response to the man of your dreams on his knee in the pouring rain on top of the Space Needle, as he finally asks you to marry him.  Bad moments, as we all know so well, when words of pain are pierced into your heart forever by the angel of death disguised as doctors.  Moments that include the words "I'm sorry" and "There is no heartbeat."  Both of these moments, good and bad, change your life forever.

It's in these moments where we live.  It's in these moments where we should do MORE living, because life is a collection of sometimes sweet & scrumptious moments, and sometimes sour and poisonous ones.  But each moment, if we really live in it, allows us to connect more with life.

I want to share with you a moment from this past Sunday.  A moment I was neither a part of, nor shared with another, where I was only a witness to beauty.  A moment that was strangely meant only for me, even though it involved a whole community of people.  I had just kissed my beautiful husband goodbye as I was dropping him off at the starting line of his first marathon, The Twin Cities Marathon.  As I began to walk away, over the PA system the national anthem started to play. I had just turned my back to my husband as it began when I was compelled to glance back one more time to see where he was at, as I wasn't going to see him again for about five hours and hopefully at the finish line.

When I turned around to search for him I thought he would have been further up in line, but to my surprise he was standing in the spot where I had left him, as still as statue, with his hat over his heart and his eyes facing the flag.  People where buzzing around him, running towards the start line, saying goodbye and good luck to their loved ones, or stretching and jumping up and down to stay warm as runners do before a big race.  But not my husband. My husband, my beautiful, honorable, humble, soldier of war, husband was standing there in silence, paying tribute to his country, his flag, and his freedom--all that he served for and believes in.  I snapped this picture of him in that moment.

I write this now with tears running down my face because I'm so proud and full of love for this man and all the respect he shows others and the world by simply holding his hat over his heart.  I know it's a small thing, but even though I was in the process of leaving, I was just drawn to watching this moment with my husband at the center of it. It was if the moment was just for me.  He did not know of my awe for him right then.  Others could not see the love I held for him welling up inside of me.  But, it was one of those moments that I could not pull away from and captured my soul.  It was a moment that reminds me why I love this brilliant man.

There were other moments that day, that moved me to tears.  Like at the finish line when I witnessed a couple holding hands and waving them in the air as they accomplished their goal of completing the race together.  Or when a man collapsed 10 yards in front of the finish line from what appeared to be exhaustion and an injury as he was limping before he fell on his hands and knees.  It was heartbreaking to watch, but if you waited just one more moment, if you could stay with the pain for only a moment, a moment of beauty appeared, as two runners who came in behind him stopped and both on either side of the injured and exhausted runner held him as he limped his way towards the finish. With the help of these two other runners, the man gained strength from what appeared to be their kindness and finished the race on his own two feet.  It was touching.  I sobbed from the sheer beauty of it all.

It seems like moments hit me harder now that Nora has died.  The good and the bad and all of the in between.  It's as if I really didn't FEEL life and the precious gift of each moment until she existed. This is her gift to me.  FEELING life and all it's complexity.  This past Sunday, when Nick crossed the finish line in his "Team Nora" shirt and even his stories of his moments of people cheering him on saying "GO TEAM NORA" none of these moments compare to the moment when I saw my humble, honorable, husband hold a hat over his heart. It's a moment that was mine and mine alone.  A moment for me to embrace and be entranced by the love I feel for such a special man and my love for him somehow spilled out of me and radiated into loving and FEELING all the precious moments of the community and life around me.

It was a beautiful moment. 

Myths about Grief & Mourning after Pregnancy & Child Loss

If you haven't already, check out my post at Still Standing Magazine from last week, Myths about Grief & Mourning after Pregnancy & Child Loss.  Let me know your thoughts as I always enjoy feedback. 

Inspirational Bereaved Parent - Guest Post by Larisa Barth from Held Your Whole Life

Today I have the honor of sharing Asher Finn Barth's story through the wonderful work his mom, Larisa Barth, does in his name.  She has started a fabulous memorial jewelry organization called Held Your Whole Life.  Here she gives away memorial jewelry in honor of babies who never took a breath.  To date she has given away over 3,000 pieces in all 50 states and around the world. 

I am excited to share her INSPIRATIONAL story.  Welcome Larisa, Asher's Mom. 

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Our first born son, Asher Finn Barth, came silently into this world on his due date, October 9th, 2011. After a picture perfect 40 week pregnancy and an active little monkey in my womb, you never expect to hear those words, "I'm so sorry but your baby doesn't have a heart beat." I gave birth to death, and held my warm and beautiful 5lbs 5ozs baby boy and begged God to give him breath. I thought my life had ended that day and I would never smile again.

The journey to joy is a long and difficult one, and sometimes time seems to stand still even though the world is flying by. It was almost a year after my greatest heartbreak that my husband and I founded Held Your Whole Life to support families whose babies never took a breath on this earth. We want to acknowledge the lives of the children who are lost before they were born. In just a few short months, we have made over 3,000 personalized hand stamped necklaces and shipped them world-wide. We also felt that the dads were often left out, so we now create keychains that say "Held Your Whole Life in Daddy's heart" and include their angel baby's name.

Seeing our Asher Finn’s name brings so much comfort and we wanted to offer that to other grieving families. Our baby was our firstborn, our son, our child. He is not a “fetal demise”. I hate that term. I hate that the doctors and nurses and legislators refer to him as such. Part of healing for us has been proudly talking about our son and recognizing the lives of babies born in silence. 

I firmly believe in different love languages and I receive and give love through gifts. Asher's life was such an amazing gift to me and I am honored to parent him by giving beautiful tokens of remembrance to other grieving families. I am not afraid to say my son's name and I hope to empower others to break the silence.

Larisa is 28, the wife of a courageous husband who is a pastor, and mother to Asher Finn in heaven and Kamari Morning on earth. You can request one of Larisa's necklaces at Held Your Whole Life or you visit her on Facebook. 

September Grief Project: In Her Honor 30 Acts of Kindness in 30 Days

A few months ago I received a couple gifts in the mail from people who have been touched in some way by Nora's story.  One was from an online friend I had made recently after I started my blog.  She too experienced the stillbirth of her son Ro a few weeks before Nora was born sleeping.  In the package was a picture of Nora's name highlighting the meaning "Light" and "Honor" along with a beautiful poem all about a baby's love for her mother signed with "Love, Nora."

 

This act of kindness from my friend could have not been more perfect.  I wept tears of sorrow and joy all at once and knew in that moment that I needed to pay it forward in Nora's name.  I wanted to spread her light as Ro's mom had spread his and live up to the truth of Nora's name.  I needed to honor her.  And so, for the month of September I did just that.  I set out to do 30 acts of kindness in 30 days all in Nora's honor!

The idea of spreading kindness as a way to remember your deceased child is no new concept.  There is even a day dedicated to it, July 27th.  In 1996 Joanne Cacciatore, Founder of the MISS Foundation started the Kindness Project as a way for parents to remember and honor their deceased child anonymously. There are even Kindness Project cards you can use to let others know the act was done in your deceased child’s name. Now, according to the MISS Foundation website almost 2,000,000 Kindness Project cards have been left around the world and counting.  I decided I wanted to jump on this beautiful bandwagon.

So for the month of September I set out to do one act of kindness each day in honor of Nora.  I was able to keep up with one act each day until about day 18.  Then as happens to all of us, I got overwhelmed with life and I almost gave up.  But I hung in there and even did the last eight acts of kindness on the last day of the month, September 30^th, which would have been my beautiful girl's ninth month on earth.  Maybe that is what gave me the strength to continue spreading her light and love knowing it was an anniversary of sorts.

 

Nevertheless, I finished the project and I could not have been more proud of myself.  It felt like Nora was literally reaching out and touching people through the acts of kindness I would do.  One act of kindness moved a friend to finally share her beautiful son’s name publicly, while another brightened a child’s day because she received a message from an angel.  Here is the story of the little girl finding the word rock that Carol from Word Rocks left in California in honor of Nora earlier in the month:

“We were in front of our school in Encinitas yesterday when my beautiful Bella came running towards me with a big smile on her face saying: “Mommy, mommy!! And angel has brought that to me! We were all smiling.” 

(If you would like to honor your child’s memory through Word Rocks, please feel free to contact Carol as it was her idea to share Nora’s beauty in this special way).

And other amazing things happened. Like, I felt honored to pay it forward to Ro’s mom who is also struggling with fertility issues.  I was honored to donate to her page and share her story in hopes that her husband and she will reach their monetary goal so they can go through another round of fertility treatments. You can visit it at Hope is Our Anchor if you would also like to pay it forward to the deserving couple. 

Also, I was even able to help make Light the Night with Love happen in Texas through a donation, even if I could only be there in spirit. Probably the hardest, and one of most moving, acts of kindness I did was sponsor a memory box for a mom whose future will be similar to mine and write a sweet letter to the bereaved mother-to-be.  (Just typing it sounds so sad).  I was able to do this through a special woman from Blessed With More who helps create these precious memories for parents in Minnesota.  If you would like to donate visit her website by clicking here for more information.

  

I could go on and on.  The experience of spending a whole month dedicated to sharing Nora’s love and light to brighten others days has helped aid my healing process and I have met so many beautiful people along the way.  One of the best gifts I received from this was when other women started contacting me and telling me that they were inspired by my 30 acts of kindness for Nora and that they too wanted to start doing the same in honor of their child! I must admit again, it wasn’t an original idea but it sure is neat that KINDNESS was the COOL new thing. 

If you would like to continue the tradition of spreading kindness in your child’s honor, please do so.  Below you will find my list of 30 acts of kindness I did in 30 days.  You can also visit the MissFoundation Kindness Project page to find more ideas along with the kindness cards to give out during your act of kindness if you like.

 

Enjoy the 30 Acts of Kindness that were INSPIRED by Nora’s Love & Light

1. Send a Thank You Card to My Aunt Sue.  (She has sent me comfort cards every week since Nora died.)
2.  Left an Encouraging Note for Nora’s Dad.
3. Give Away Free Compliments by putting up a Complement Sign.
4. Donate Money & Personalized Card to Make a Baby Memory Box for a Bereaved Mother.
5. Left a BIG Tip.
6. Donated to a Couple Raising Money for IVF to Have a Baby.
7. Raised Money & Participated in a Walk to Honor Stillborn Babies and Provide Support for Their Families. 
8. Left A Word Rock "Honor You."
9. Left a Word Rock "Breathe."
10. Left a Word Rock "Peace."
11. Left a Word Rock "Joy."
12. Left a Word Rock "Heal."
13. Left a Word Rock "Love Found You."
14. Left a Word Rock "Thank You."
15. Left Word Rocks "Let Your Light Shine", "Hope Lives Here", & "Beautiful Is What You Are."
16. Bought and Gave a Gift of The Giving Keys.
17. Donated to Light the Night with Love. A Lantern Release for Babies Gone Too Soon.
18. Brought a Treat to Share with My Co-Workers.
19. Shared Candy with My Clients.
20. Donated Money to a Doggy Shelter.
21. Bought a Homeless Man Breakfast.
22. Bought Coffee that Proceeds Went to Cancer Research and the Coffee was Donated to Troops Overseas.
23. Gave Away a Coach Purse to a Deserving Angel Mom.
24. Paid for the Person Behind Me in Line at the Coffee Shop.
25. Bought My Co-Worker Coffee to Brighten Her Day and Thank Her for All She Does.
26. Donated a Few of Nora's Outfits and My Maternity Clothes to a Pregnancy Shelter.
27. Created a Care Package for Ronald McDonald House Guests.
28. Left Inspiring Quotes and Messages in Public Places.
29. Made a Child Name Graphic for a Fellow Bereaved Mamma.
30. Nominated A Couple for a Tree from Project 52.

Uh Oh…I did 31 Acts of Kindness.  I guess Kindness is contagious. (Or I can’t count).

   31.  I Sent a Gift to Mom's Expecting Their Rainbow Babies. 

WOW!!! That all feels really good.  Now I know that feeling of goodness is Nora’s light and love finding me.

Sundays at Grandma's - Catching a Memory

Sometimes the strangest things-a sight, sound, even an odor—will evoke a memory.  I have been having those lately—some happy, some sad, and all of them full of love.

My trips to see my daughters have been wrought with memories of the morning we found out Nora had died.  It is hard not to think about that trip on that awful morning when I’m on the same road.  There are points along the road that remind me of the painful phone calls from Lindsey, asking how soon we would be at the hospital.  These points bring back some painful memories, and then tears.  Hopefully, as I make more trips to see my daughters, those memories will not evoke as many tears. 

Recently I was ironing my red ‘Proud to be an Educator’ tee-shirt for a sing along at our state capital.  As I was ironing the scent of the shirt was familiar.  It hit me—this was the same scent that I smelled as I ironed each of the many seams on Nora’s Dr. Seuss quilt.  That was a happy memory—as so much love was put into each piece of that quilt.  As I sewed it I was imagining my little granddaughter laying and playing on it.  It was exciting for me to do this for my daughter and her daughter!  A happy memory.

Last weekend I stopped at Target on my way to my grandniece’s 1^st birthday party.  I still needed to get a gift.  I went to the book section and found two adorable books for my grandniece, hit the wrapping paper section on the way out for a card, tissue paper, and a gift bag.  After paying I went back to my car and wrapped the presents before leaving the parking lot.  As I was writing the card my mind had a vision of my husband, Bob, kissing Nora’s forehead in the hospital while Lindsey held her so proudly, but so profoundly sad.  This was a sad moment that tore at my heartstrings.  In that small gesture my husband showed so much love that my heart ached.  Lindsey, holding her daughter and asking ‘isn’t she beautiful?’  Yes, Nora was a beautiful little girl, and she was surrounded by family that loved her overwhelmingly.  A very sad moment filled with so much love.  I couldn’t help it, that memory made the tears flow.  Thank goodness I had at least 15 minutes of travel time before reaching the party to compose myself.

I know that there will be times when something just clicks, whether it is a sound, a song, a smell, or a picture, and it will remind me of Nora.  Hopefully, as time goes on, those memories will be less and less painful.  I also hope, they will never end.

Just recently I went on a “Hopes and Hearts” walk in Coon Rapids, Minnesota, in honor of Nora.  I was amazed at the number of people in attendance.  At the end of the morning the names of the babies being honored were read.  With all the hundreds of people in attendance, not a word was spoken during this 20 minutes.  At the end of the announcing of the names, we released balloons that had been inscribed by each individual there.  Mine was ‘Dear Nora, I will love you forever, Grandma’.  It felt good to write ‘Grandma’ on Nora’s balloon.  When the balloons were released I watched my balloon ascend into the sky, wondering if Nora’s spirit would see it, and know how much she was loved and missed.