The first time I got married was in 12th grade to Jeffery M. A sweet young man who looked more like my brother with our matching read hair and pale skin. I have to admit it was an arranged marriage of sorts because it was only for a semester in Economics class for a household budget project.
Jeff is a treasured friend from my youth and it's been 12 years. And I'll just say this without sounding conceited (hopefully)...he had the hots for me. So knowing I had the upper hand in our marriage, when it came time to kill off one of our family members for the will portion of the project (I know, morbid right), I choose his mother and he reluctantly agreed. (I do have to admit he advocated pretty hard to save his mother from her freak and unfortunate hot air balloon accident. It was our first, last, and only marital disagreement.)
But when we were both trying to figure out how she would die we sat there and had an hour-long discussion to come up with the most ridiculous and impossible way for it to happen. I think we chose the hot air balloon accident because Jeff knew she was afraid of heights and never would get in one. This scenario was improbable.
My point being even at 18 I, and even Jeff, had an uncomfortable time talking about the pretend (like our marriage) possibility of one of our loved ones dying. It was if putting it out there - in the ether, the place where thoughts become words and words become reality - would then make her death come true.
I see this with clients all the time in therapy, a thought, a truth, a fear, an intuition is on the tip of their tongue. It's in the air. I can hear it before its said, but they resist, hold back from saying it in fear that saying the words will make it happen. Make it real.
So I sometimes wonder, did I make her death real with a thought? I know it was my greatest fear. I know I was told many stories in the three weeks before she was delivered about babies dying right before the joyous moment or right after. I know in the last couple days of her pregnancy I read the words STILLBIRTH on BabyCenter boards that I followed religiously saying that stillbirths happen at an increased rate after 40 weeks pregnant, which I was. I even know that Nick had a dream about it, but we both reassured each other it was from nervousness of becoming a parent.
So could my thought make it true? I don't know the answer. But I really wish I would have thought more about winning the lottery and less about my fears...
I wish I would have enjoyed my pregnancy innocence while I still had it.
I wish I would have never had those thoughts.