Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Did I Make Her Death Real with a Thought?

The first time I got married was in 12th grade to Jeffery M. A sweet young man who looked more like my brother with our matching read hair and pale skin. I have to admit it was an arranged marriage of sorts because it was only for a semester in Economics class for a household budget project.

Jeff is a treasured friend from my youth and it's been 12 years.  And I'll just say this without sounding conceited (hopefully)...he had the hots for me.  So knowing I had the upper hand in our marriage, when it came time to kill off one of our family members for the will portion of the project (I know, morbid right), I choose his mother and he reluctantly agreed. (I do have to admit he advocated pretty hard to save his mother from her freak and unfortunate hot air balloon accident. It was our first, last, and only marital disagreement.)

But when we were both trying to figure out how she would die we sat there and had an hour-long discussion to come up with the most ridiculous and impossible way for it to happen.  I think we chose the hot air balloon accident because Jeff knew she was afraid of heights and never would get in one. This scenario was improbable. 

My point being even at 18 I, and even Jeff, had an uncomfortable time talking about the pretend (like our marriage) possibility of one of our loved ones dying.  It was if putting it out there - in the ether, the place where thoughts become words and words become reality - would then make her death come true.

I see this with clients all the time in therapy, a thought, a truth, a fear, an intuition is on the tip of their tongue. It's in the air. I can hear it before its said, but they resist, hold back from saying it in fear that saying the words will make it happen.  Make it real.

So I sometimes wonder, did I make her death real with a thought?  I know it was my greatest fear.  I know I was told many stories in the three weeks before she was delivered about babies dying right before the joyous moment or right after.  I know in the last couple days of her pregnancy I read the words STILLBIRTH on BabyCenter boards that I followed religiously saying that stillbirths happen at an increased rate after 40 weeks pregnant, which I was. I even know that Nick had a dream about it, but we both reassured each other it was from nervousness of becoming a parent.  

So could my thought make it true?  I don't know the answer. But I really wish I would have thought more about winning the lottery and less about my fears...

I wish I would have enjoyed my pregnancy innocence while I still had it.

I wish I would have never had those thoughts. 


  1. Very brave post to write. I have these thoughts too, but have never said them outside of my head. Thank you. Your words inspire me daily and are of great comfort.

  2. I think about this same thing all the time. During the days leading up to my anatomy scan, I had this gut feeling that something was wrong with the baby. It had been awhile since my last sonogram and I had a lapse in prenatal care from switching doctors and for some reason I thought that something bad had happened during that time. I must have told myself a thousand times that I was being paranoid. But then the day of the anatomy scan arrived and the second that the ultrasound tech left the room to get the doctor I knew in my heart that I had been right. I often wonder if there's some kind of cosmic correlation between my gut feeling and the time he became sick... like if one triggered the other.

    BTW, that's a super cute picture of you and Nora <3

    1. Thanks Catherine. I think the pic of me and Nora is cute too. Hope all is well with you.

  3. I think like this too... I was much more nervous and fearful with Evangeline's pregnancy than with her older sister... I assumed my fears were just because I was more aware of potential complications this time and wasn't as blissfully naive... But I often wonder if my added worries with Evangeline were a premonition or if they could have contributed to the final outcome... I know deep down I didn't cause her death, but it's so hard not to put some blame on myself.

    I too think this is a lovely picture of you and Nora. :)

  4. I used to think like this too, but a long conversation with a friend, really made me see. I will post about that soon and let you know, maybe it might help you shake those feelings too. But this post made me think of something else. A series of events that confronted me with the possibility of a loss during my pregnancy. A series of events that I chose to ignore at the time. And now they seem to haunt me:

    We haven't done anything wrong Lindsey, and I keep repeating this to myself too, my husband keeps repeating it over and over and over again too. You're a beautiful mother. You did everything right. So did I. It just happened. And it's devastating that it did. I am so sorry, for all of us. No mother should have to go through this.
    Lots of love and peace to you.

  5. Hey Lindsey, I kind of put the wrong link up there... I meant this one:

  6. Oh Lindsey nothing you could ever think could cause such a tragedy. I know that sounds too simple an answer to your very complex question but felt compelled to write it

  7. Thanks for sharing your innermost thoughts Lindsey. It helps others.


  8. You're thoughts so echo my own. A few days before my anatomy scan, I had a horrible dream in which I lost our baby, Hudson. The nightmare still haunts nightmare certainly came true.

    My blog:


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