Letters to Nora - Bittersweet

May 26th, 2013

Dear Nora,

I thought of you today.  Who am I kidding, I think of you everyday.  Some days more deeply than others.  I say deeply because I have moments when I think of you and waves of grief no longer wash over me, it's more of a quiet sadness that brings joy and sorrow in the same thought.  I think they call it bittersweet.

Ah, this is everything about you Nora, BITTERSWEET.  But grief is lifting, honey.  I can spontaneously laugh now as I often do with your dad.  He is so silly.  I wish you could have experienced his humor.  He is so good with children. 

The other night we went to a baseball game with friends.  They have two children, a boy who is six and a girl who is almost five.  These kids LOVED your dad.  They were picking on him and teasing him.  They did this as I sat next to him watching him tickle and tease the five year old girl as she tried on his ball cap and poked at his sleeve while in the stands of the game.  Your dad would play 'tease' back.  Being silly to humor the little girl. When she would giggle, he would joyfully laugh in the moment.  

As I sat next to him I would have to turn away, because my heart was breaking as I knew in my soul that little girl would never be you and him.  Ahhh, and that is a moment where grief takes over and overwhelms me.  It's like that now.  Long streches of dull contentment with moments of honest joy and episodes of extreme tears.

I don't think I will ever understand this thing called grief.  

Anyway, I love you.  I miss you.  But I do feel you.

Love Always & Forever,

Mom

Sundays at Grandma's: Part 1 of Grieving without God: Spiritual Evolution

Written by Awesome Aunt Kristi

Please note: I am writing this to be true to myself. To share my thoughts and opinions, knowing full well that not everyone will agree. I don't expect, nor would I want, you to. Some of what I say may upset you, and if that is the case, I apologize for how you feel. My intentions are pure, with love and honesty behind them. That being said, I will not apologize for my beliefs, just as I would not expect you to apologize for yours. The beautiful thing about being human is the fact that we get to choose how we live our life.

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We grew up Catholic, from baptism to confirmation, weekly catechism classes were part of our routine. We even attended church and participated in some church activities. To an outsider we were full Catholics, indoctrinated with the body, blood, and Holy ghost.  

But to our family, it was a different story. Initially, when we were very young, our parents tried to get us up to go to 10 o'clock mass (the latest mass that exists for Catholics), but the lure of sleep and a childhood security blanket often kept me in the comfy confines of my room. On the occasions where parental persistance won out, I often found myself counting down the minutes to when we got to leave. Eventually my parents stopped trying and they stopped attending church. It would appear that, over time, all of our religious beliefs would evolve and take us different places.

As a child my boredom in church started out from a lack of understanding and interest in the biblical lesson of the week. As I grew older, my rational and reasoning brain inherently kept me from fully accepting what was being taught every week from the pulpit. I tried to believe, to find faith, to find God in anything and everything; believe me, I did. I would pray for God to show himself to me, for Jesus to light that fire of faith in my heart. I said my nightly prayers, even after I gave up trying to find faith in God, or any deity for that matter.

But nothing happened. No spark of faith ignited. No unconditional love from a deity poured through my soul.  I felt...well, initially I felt angry because I couldn't believe like others believed. Often I thought something was wrong with me because I could see that faith ignited in others, but eventually I grew cynical, thinking religion was for people without rationality. I believe college had an important role to play in this cynicism. I learned more, but with more learning initially came more resentment. The world was a scary place and people were doing horrible things in the name of God or some omnipotent deity. It made me sad, angry, confused...and cynical. Don't get me wrong, I respect people's choice to believe in whatever they want, I always have. But organized religion always seemed so exclusive to me. As a child/teenager this confused me since we were being taught to be tolerant and inclusive; "loving thy neighbor" and all that jazz.

As I learned more about the world, I learned that in reality a lot of religions are telling the same story with different characters. I studied mythology of different ancient religions and cultures, and I realized that we are just trying to make sense of the phenomena occurring around us. No one way is right. Nor is any one way wrong. It's all just pieces of the same cosmic puzzle, put together however it fits one person's beliefs.

Even during this cynicism, I grappled with the concept of God. I wouldn't say I believe in only what I see, but I believe that we are capable of utilizing science and technology to explain so much of what happens in this universe. Are there things we still don't know or can't explain? Yes. And most likely there will always be things we don't know or can't explain, because the universe is a vast, infinite place and we are but mere minuscule, finite creatures. A grain of sand in the grand scheme of things.

Am I ruling out the existence of God? No. I would say that, sure, maybe the possibility exists, but I choose to not believe in a God or to follow any sort of organized religion. The funny thing is, I figured I would spend my entire life wrestling with this concept of God, choosing to believe in him and lead a good life just for that "what if" factor. What if he really does exist, and when I die I must stand before him and be judged? I might as well believe for that sake, right?

Wrong. Why should I use a belief in a deity and the idea of getting to go some place nice, like heaven, as a reason for acting the way I should act anyway? I should be good, lead an honest life, and love others, not because God ordains it, but because it is the right thing to do. I don't really understand the idea of doing things well in this life just for the reward we "might" get in the next life, because what if this is the reward? This one life I am living right now? What if that is it? Do I want to live my life hoping for something better, when in reality I could make this life the best damn experience around?

I believe that with trying to make sense of God and force myself to submit to a belief system that didn't fit with my own reasoning and understanding of the world/universe, I was creating this unjust negativity toward all religions. If that makes sense.

So one day I gave God up. I gave up the fight, and you know what...I found peace. Before, it seemed like an exhausting tug-o-war with my heart, mind, soul.

Now I would say that my beliefs are spiritual. I don't believe in a deity, but I believe in a connectedness that we all have, just by being here and experiencing this world together. I believe in love, and that we are all creatures of love. I believe if we carried the idea that we are all beings of love then the world would be a much happier, peaceful place. I believe that this life is enough and I am happy to be able to experience it. I believe in being good to others and myself for the sake of being good, in this time, in this second, in this very moment that I am alive. Does this mean I carry this with me everywhere? No, I make mistakes, such is the nature of all species. If I make a wrong choice, I am not letting God down, but myself, because only I am in control of my choices and only I can create my reality and future. At the end of the day, I have to be okay with who I am in this life, not who I might get to be in the next.

I believe this concept of being responsible only to yourself is incredibly frightening to some people. Think about it, to be fully responsible for your actions and the time you have on this world is an incredible load to bare. If this is it, truly the one chance you have, and you are beholden to yourself and you alone...that's a lot of pressure for one human. Especially when it is so easy for us to make mistakes. We could easily mess it up and often do. Then, when you take into account all the other humans that are responsible for their own actions, and if we're all doing this without the direction of a deity...well I can see how religion came about. Rules need to exist for peace to exist on this earth, but I feel like that is a cop out (and clearly it isn't working). We should be able to control our actions and make the right decisions because it is what is best for everyone, not because we want to make an invisible being happy.

So those are my beliefs...for now.  I suspect that they will change as I change.  What I love about not having "structure" to my beliefs is that there are no confines, no rules that I am breaking.  As long as I am good, love others, and do my best to make the world a better place while I am on it, then I am reaching the ultimate goal of the beliefs I have set before me.  This is what a lot of religions set down anyway, but I am not doing it for a deity, I am doing it for me and for the rest of humanity.

Book Review: Healing Your Grieving Heart After Stillbirth: 100 Practical Ideas for Parents and Families

Some of you might have seen a page I had dedicated to this book before.  But I love it so much I thought it deserved a second review. I came across the book Healing Your Grieving Heart After Stillbirth: 100 Practical Ideas for Parents and Families, by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D. and Raelynn Maloney, PH.D. a few months after Nora's death.

And I LOVE IT!  It has been my healing guide for the last five or so months.  It provides straight forward wisdom on each healing technique with each page highlighting just one way to grieve, making it easy to find what works for you and what doesn't.  A wonderful healing companion that I truly carry with me everywhere I go.

If you follow me on Instagram you know this is true, because as part of my Grief Project is I try all 100 ideas from the book, take pictures of the healing technique and write about them on Instagram using the hashtag #100wayshealing.




There are some great ideas in this book that will help you heal your grieving heart.

August Grief Project: Contemplate the Universe

When I was pregnant with Nora, I believed I was an Atheist.  I didn't believe in God and also thought I knew, without a doubt, that there wasn't one.  Being raised Catholic I know about Christian values and beliefs and I have to admit, I didn't care for them much.  There was a time in my life when I believed in God but I never got into the whole Jesus thing.  I preferred the Virgin Mary (maybe it's because I was Catholic.) But as I got older, I grew disenchanted with the almighty and frankly I didn't like the violence and hate that was spouted in his name.

Instead I found science, agreed with the scientific method, and believed in logic and so the way of the Atheist naturally fit me and my family’s values.  And I was a solid believer.  I remember on my first date with Nick asking him what his religious views were and with the words, "I'm a retired Lutheran," I fell in love.

Then as I entered graduate school I found Buddhist philosophy incredibly appealing. I ate up anything Buddhist. I studied complementary healing techniques in graduate school while I got my masters in social work and learned all about the way of the Buddha.  I loved the four noble truths, the idea of enlightenment, mediation, and the yoga sutras, and I tried to improve my karma.  I even went to India and meditated in the presence of his Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama up on the mountain tops in Dharamsala. 

Yet, even loving the concept of Buddhism, I still declared myself an Atheist.  Until recently, in the early weeks after Nora's death, my views hadn't changed.  I didn't want to believe in God because that would confuse the issue and I would be admitting that I was "changed" by this whole experience.  (Yes, I had a hard time admitting to that at first.)

Then one day on a family walk, Nick turned to me and said, "Why do you keep saying you’re an Atheist?"  I was confused and said, "Because I am. I don't believe in God."  And then he replied with, "How can you be so sure one way or the other?"

I thought about it as Nick went on, "I don't believe in a specific God and I don't care for religion, but I also can't prove that there isn't some type of higher order to things. Why don't you just say you’re Agnostic?  Besides, you say you are spiritual, so doesn't Agnostic fit better?"

Taking a minute to think about it, I realized he was right.  All I know is that I don't know.  I'm not capable of knowing and I do love spiritual experiences and things such as Reiki, psychics, and spirits.  I just never believed they came from most of the organized religion's version of God.

I then talked about it with my therapist and explained the conversation with Nick and my whole thoughts on the matter.  Sitting in her office I ended with, "I just don't like all the violence that religion has caused in this world." She responded with a gentle challenge for me to be more open-minded and explore my beliefs.

So that is what I am doing for the month of August.  I'm exploring the importance of spirituality in the grieving process by "Contemplating the Universe" and all its grander.

I am now a newly declared Agnostic and I think that is a wonderful place to be when you start a journey on exploring faith, spirituality, God, and the universe.  I'm going in with an open mind and will gravitate towards what resonates with me.

This month we will explore faith from a non-faith based person's perspective (my sister), using different Buddhist philosophy, reflecting on Reiki sessions, trying prayer, talking directly to God through letter writing, and my favorite, seeing the spirituality in nature and the world around us. I will also explore my disappointment with spirituality as much as my moments of divinity. And hopefully we will hear from friends who have experienced loss but find a sense of spirituality and faith as a source of strength during their grief. (It's always good to look at a situation from every angle.)

I look forward to this journey and hope you too will find some of my 'stepping outside of my comfort zone exercises' helpful.  Walk with me if you like.  Who doesn't need a friend as they walk through the places that scare us?

Anger & Kindness. The Small Things.

"What happens if you can't turn it back on?"  I asked the apple store worker, referring to my phone that wouldn't turn on or even charge since this morning.

"Oh, if it's backed up on iCloud then you should be able to retrieve all your data." He explained.

With a worried look towards Nick I said, "Ah, yeah.  What if it's not."

"Then you have lost everything." He replied.

I closed my eyes as he said those words and let out a long exasperated sigh not wanting to lose my stuff right there in that moment, but his words just rung so true in my ear of the pain that had been building in my heart.  "We'll be back in at 2:10 for our appointment.  Thanks."  I replied as Nick and I walked out of the apple store into the mall.  Me fighting back tears.  I had been on the verge of tears all week and even more today, but I could feel that I was walking the fine line of grief, wobbling on edge of total breakdown and composure and I was trying so hard not to fall head first into an embarrassing sobfest in the middle of the mall.

Nick was watching me as we exited the store and could see my struggle. "It's just a phone.  We will get it fixed."

I wasn't having any of that.  I was trying so hard to keep my composure, to secure my grip onto the edge of the cliff of sanity so I wouldn't fall into the pit of messy emotions waiting for me.

"Nothing ever goes right for me.  I feel like the world is out to get me." I said as I was about to enter an emotional meltdown, there really should be a clean up crew for the kind of emotional vomiting that was about to project out of me.

No longer holding back tears I chocked out,"it's not about the phone."  A tear ran down my cheek.  "Can we just find a place to wait?"

We sat down at a little table next to a coffee shop in the mall with one small table next to us which was occupied by a middle aged man reading the paper.

Nick turned to look at me. "It's just a phone.  You have been having a great week.  You just got that teaching job."

"Can you please just stop talking." I was fighting so hard to not let out this emotional tsunami that was brewing inside me. "I know it's just a phone, but it's not about that. I don't know why this is happening. Just let me be sad right now."

He tried to talk.  I wouldn't let him.  "Lindsey..."

"Stop.  Just stop!" I said sincerely.

"Don't feel sorry for yourself." He said.

I lost it and snapped, "How often have I felt sorry for myself in the last six months.?" I was pissed.  Anger flowed easily now and pushed away the tears for a moment.  Funny how anger can temporarily hide our deepest sorrows. "Don't tell me what I can and can't feel. I think I am allowed to feel sorry for myself."

"You just want me to let you feel sorry for..." He started but I interrupted.

"STOP talking and Leave!  Leave NOW!" I said in my most serious and stern voice. I did not care what happened to Nick at this point.  If he wasn't going to support my grief or didn't know how, then I needed him to go.  I needed to be left with my sadness where it was openly accepted and not judged.

"FINE! Have fun throwing yourself a pity party!" He said as slammed his hands on the table as he lifted himself out of his seat and left.

My vision blurred with painful tears and my lip quivering to gain control of my emotions.  I reached for my sunglasses and put them on in effort to hide my sorrowful eyes from the chaos of the mall bustling around me.  And when I finally had gained a semblance of control over my tears, I looked out into the lively atmosphere of the mall only to see a seven month pregnant mom walk right in front of my table and as she passes it's as if her belly magically reveals the billboard behind her, advertising the baby shower blowout weekend sale coming soon!!!

If there is a God, he hated me at that moment. Because then a baby cries and I hear the mom complain and I lose my shit!!! Tears stream out of my eyes and sobs roar from my throat and lungs as I'm gasping for air.  I'm a mess, in the middle of the mall.  All by myself now as the guy at the table next to me has left and I am left to express some of my most painful and raw emotions and no one notices.  No one cares.

My baby is dead and it feels like my heart is coming out of my chest as I'm now emotional vomiting smack dab in the center of the mall and NO ONE notices! Not the cute twenty something couple walking by holding hands or the teenage girls carrying Aeropostale shopping bags in one hand and cappuccinos in the other.  At this moment, I am dead to the world, like my daughter.  No one notices, no one cares and the tears tumble harder and my heart breaks more at this thought.

Then, as I have given into the brokenness and my head hangs with defeat, a figure appears in my line if vision and I notice his large brown hand softly place a collection of bawled up restaurant napkins on the table in front of me as I recognize him as the middle aged man who was at the table next to me earlier.  I looked up and his eyes meet mine for a moment and his beautiful jester served as a distraction from my pain.  The crying stops.  The pain is halted.

He mumbled something about sorrows, but my mind could not make out his actual words because I was shocked by his kindness. I mustered up a reply of "thank you" and with a nod he was on his way.

And instead of being knocked over by the small things, I was also put back together by them.  A small gesture of kindness made all the small moments of defeat dissipate for a moment.  And in that moment, there was peace. There was my version of God.  Kindness.