Thursday, August 1, 2013

Anger & Kindness. The Small Things.

"What happens if you can't turn it back on?"  I asked the apple store worker, referring to my phone that wouldn't turn on or even charge since this morning.

"Oh, if it's backed up on iCloud then you should be able to retrieve all your data." He explained.

With a worried look towards Nick I said, "Ah, yeah.  What if it's not."

"Then you have lost everything." He replied.

I closed my eyes as he said those words and let out a long exasperated sigh not wanting to lose my stuff right there in that moment, but his words just rung so true in my ear of the pain that had been building in my heart.  "We'll be back in at 2:10 for our appointment.  Thanks."  I replied as Nick and I walked out of the apple store into the mall.  Me fighting back tears.  I had been on the verge of tears all week and even more today, but I could feel that I was walking the fine line of grief, wobbling on edge of total breakdown and composure and I was trying so hard not to fall head first into an embarrassing sobfest in the middle of the mall.

Nick was watching me as we exited the store and could see my struggle. "It's just a phone.  We will get it fixed."

I wasn't having any of that.  I was trying so hard to keep my composure, to secure my grip onto the edge of the cliff of sanity so I wouldn't fall into the pit of messy emotions waiting for me.

"Nothing ever goes right for me.  I feel like the world is out to get me." I said as I was about to enter an emotional meltdown, there really should be a clean up crew for the kind of emotional vomiting that was about to project out of me.

No longer holding back tears I chocked out,"it's not about the phone."  A tear ran down my cheek.  "Can we just find a place to wait?"

We sat down at a little table next to a coffee shop in the mall with one small table next to us which was occupied by a middle aged man reading the paper.

Nick turned to look at me. "It's just a phone.  You have been having a great week.  You just got that teaching job."

"Can you please just stop talking." I was fighting so hard to not let out this emotional tsunami that was brewing inside me. "I know it's just a phone, but it's not about that. I don't know why this is happening. Just let me be sad right now."

He tried to talk.  I wouldn't let him.  "Lindsey..."

"Stop.  Just stop!" I said sincerely.

"Don't feel sorry for yourself." He said.

I lost it and snapped, "How often have I felt sorry for myself in the last six months.?" I was pissed.  Anger flowed easily now and pushed away the tears for a moment.  Funny how anger can temporarily hide our deepest sorrows. "Don't tell me what I can and can't feel. I think I am allowed to feel sorry for myself."

"You just want me to let you feel sorry for..." He started but I interrupted.

"STOP talking and Leave!  Leave NOW!" I said in my most serious and stern voice. I did not care what happened to Nick at this point.  If he wasn't going to support my grief or didn't know how, then I needed him to go.  I needed to be left with my sadness where it was openly accepted and not judged.

"FINE! Have fun throwing yourself a pity party!" He said as slammed his hands on the table as he lifted himself out of his seat and left.

My vision blurred with painful tears and my lip quivering to gain control of my emotions.  I reached for my sunglasses and put them on in effort to hide my sorrowful eyes from the chaos of the mall bustling around me.  And when I finally had gained a semblance of control over my tears, I looked out into the lively atmosphere of the mall only to see a seven month pregnant mom walk right in front of my table and as she passes it's as if her belly magically reveals the billboard behind her, advertising the baby shower blowout weekend sale coming soon!!!

If there is a God, he hated me at that moment. Because then a baby cries and I hear the mom complain and I lose my shit!!! Tears stream out of my eyes and sobs roar from my throat and lungs as I'm gasping for air.  I'm a mess, in the middle of the mall.  All by myself now as the guy at the table next to me has left and I am left to express some of my most painful and raw emotions and no one notices.  No one cares.

My baby is dead and it feels like my heart is coming out of my chest as I'm now emotional vomiting smack dab in the center of the mall and NO ONE notices! Not the cute twenty something couple walking by holding hands or the teenage girls carrying Aeropostale shopping bags in one hand and cappuccinos in the other.  At this moment, I am dead to the world, like my daughter.  No one notices, no one cares and the tears tumble harder and my heart breaks more at this thought.

Then, as I have given into the brokenness and my head hangs with defeat, a figure appears in my line if vision and I notice his large brown hand softly place a collection of bawled up restaurant napkins on the table in front of me as I recognize him as the middle aged man who was at the table next to me earlier.  I looked up and his eyes meet mine for a moment and his beautiful jester served as a distraction from my pain.  The crying stops.  The pain is halted.

He mumbled something about sorrows, but my mind could not make out his actual words because I was shocked by his kindness. I mustered up a reply of "thank you" and with a nod he was on his way.

And instead of being knocked over by the small things, I was also put back together by them.  A small gesture of kindness made all the small moments of defeat dissipate for a moment.  And in that moment, there was peace. There was my version of God.  Kindness.


  1. I love this.

    And I am sorry you feel so unsupported.

    I'm sorry for all of the moments like this, where you have felt like no one cared, and no one was listening.


  2. Something similar happened to me on Tuesday and one woman saved my day by her her small gesture, I would have spiraled into a dark place without her. So glad you were able to see through the anger and sadness to appreciate it! It really is all about the little things these days...


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