May 26th, 2013
Dear Nora,
I thought of you today. Who am I kidding, I think of you everyday. Some days more deeply than others. I say deeply because I have moments when I think of you and waves of grief no longer wash over me, it's more of a quiet sadness that brings joy and sorrow in the same thought. I think they call it bittersweet.
Ah, this is everything about you Nora, BITTERSWEET. But grief is lifting, honey. I can spontaneously laugh now as I often do with your dad. He is so silly. I wish you could have experienced his humor. He is so good with children.
The other night we went to a baseball game with friends. They have two children, a boy who is six and a girl who is almost five. These kids LOVED your dad. They were picking on him and teasing him. They did this as I sat next to him watching him tickle and tease the five year old girl as she tried on his ball cap and poked at his sleeve while in the stands of the game. Your dad would play 'tease' back. Being silly to humor the little girl. When she would giggle, he would joyfully laugh in the moment.
As I sat next to him I would have to turn away, because my heart was breaking as I knew in my soul that little girl would never be you and him. Ahhh, and that is a moment where grief takes over and overwhelms me. It's like that now. Long streches of dull contentment with moments of honest joy and episodes of extreme tears.
I don't think I will ever understand this thing called grief.
Anyway, I love you. I miss you. But I do feel you.
Love Always & Forever,
Mom
Lindsay - I just wanted to take a moment and thank you. You have helped me through this process more than you might imagine. I lost my son, Jackson, at 32 weeks. This week, he will have been gone for 10 weeks - it's hard to believe it's already been that long but at the same time, it feels like years. Your blog has helped me to know that 1) I am not alone; 2) I am not crazy. You've given me ideas for celebrating Jackson and remembering him. And you've given words to the feelings I couldn't even begin to express. I'm especially looking forward to this new series of postings around faith. I would call myself agnostic as well, and it's been difficult for me to deal with that through the process of losing Jackson. When people say that he's with God or that I'll see him again one day, I just dont know that I believe it. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you to you and your family for sharing your hearts so beautifully.
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