Grief Project - Create a Place of Refuge

"Sanctuary on a personal level, is where we preform the job of taking care of the soul." 

~ Christopher Forrest McDowell  

Looking back now I realize that without knowing it, as a school aged child I had many "areas of refuge" in my life.  Growing up we lived outside of town in the country.  Our house was on four acres of land surrounded by cornfields and woods.  When I was 10 years old I used to cross the country road in front of our home and go for long walks in the forest there.  Here I would day dream, take in nature, and contemplate life with a child's mind.  I continued to find and "create areas of refuge" as I got older.  As a teenager in the summer I would climb out my bedroom window onto the roof that over-hanged the garage.  From time to time I would go up there to read, journal, or just take in the wonders of the world.  As I've become an adult, and now live in a large city, I believe I have forgotten the importance of finding and spending time in such areas of refuge.

In Healing Your Grieving Heart, Wolfet and Maloney discuss the importance of creating a personal sanctuary and state that, "you need a private territory where you can explore self-development and spiritual practices as well as read insightful books, meditate, journal, or simply contemplate the universe."  All these tasks are essential for the grieving process to unfold properly and do its healing work. 

So for the month of April I decided to find and create the sacred place in my life, that I did so naturally as a child.  I decided to use Nora's room, and one afternoon after work I rearranged her nursery.   I choose her room for many reasons, because I loved the light that flows through the room, because of the healing color of the green walls that induce feelings of relaxation and calm within me, the white decal birch trees that Nick and I so lovingly placed on the walls brings nature indoors and connects me back to my roots in nature.  The final reason I chose it was because I had spent so much time lovingly preparing her room for her that I just needed it to be used for some kind of growth.  I guess it will be used for my growth now instead of hers.  Now I go to Nora's room as not a place of mourning, although that does happen, but a place to explore my truest self.  I sit in here to meditate, to reflect on my grief.  Sometimes I write in here as well.  I found this place calming and soothing. 

The important part of this place wasn't as much about the physical place as it was about the place it took me inside my head.  In The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin talks about "finding a place of refuge". But she means within yourself, with your thoughts, and this is the place I found most like a sanctuary.  Inside my head it was a dream land, a fairytale place where Nora lived and we were together.  Sometimes she didn't even live, but we were together in some other way, I could feel her, and that was enough.  It was easy to create "a place of refuge" in my mind with the help of a guided visualization I would use called "A Place of Refuge a Visualization."  Other times I did not even need a prompt to help create my safe place, because it just naturally arose.  It felt peaceful. It was safe.  It was always with me.  I could carry it where ever I was because it was within me and I could find visit whenever I needed.   

I once heard a story about a POW who, in order to survive the torture of solitude from being held captive during war, played a golf game on his favorite course over and over again in his mind.  He did this so much that when he was released from capture and finally played that course again he still shot par.  Our mind and surroundings are powerful influences and tools in our healing, if we use them wisely we can use them to create a sense of peace.

Resources:

A Place of Refuge a Visualization

A Place of Refuge - Visualization

In my month of mindfully grieving I have found meditation and visualizations technique very healing.  I often meditate to YouTube guided meditations and visualizations.  However, sometimes I find that the grieving meditations on YouTube don't fit my needs for grieving a child I did not know outside of the womb.  So in the next few weeks I will be starting to make my own guided meditations and put them on YouTube specifically for parents who are grieving over pregnancy and infant loss. 

Today I am sharing my adaptive version of a visualization I use at work with my clients.  I have found this meditation helpful in creating a place of refuge.  When I set out to create a place of refuge this month, I thought I needed to create an actual physical space, but after re-reading The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin describes her place of refuge as a place within her mind, that she can create, and always visit.  So today I leave you with a guided meditation called A Place of Refuge.  In a few days I will post an audio version.  Enjoy.

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A Place of Refuge - Visualization    

Sitting in a relaxed comfortable position.  Put both feet firmly on the floor or lie on your back.  Begin by taking a few deep breaths to calm your body and mind.  Focus on your breath and let it fall into it's natural rhythm.  Use your breath to bring you to the present moment.  In this moment, release the tension in your muscles, letting your shoulders drop and your face soften.

Now begin to visualize a place or space where you can be at peace.  You can imagine a familiar place or you can create a new one.  This is your unique space.  A space for healing.  A space for calm.  This place of refuge could be a sandy beach, a path deep within the woods, a quiet library, a large sitting room with a fireplace, or a relaxing bathtub.  Whatever place or space you create is fine, as long as it is a healing place.  A place for relaxation and rejuvenation.  This is your safe place.  Your place of refuge.  Your sancutuary.

As you imagine your place of refuge, enter into your sanctuary with your entire being.  Choose to take a seat in your space, or stand there, or explore it.  Look around and take in every detail.  You do not need to create the details of this place.  They are already there: allow them to come into focus in your mind.

Notice the sites (the trees, the sand, the books, the flames, the bubbles).  Begin to notice the sounds (the waves crashing against the shore, the wind rustling the leaves of the trees, the crackling of the fire, the rushing sound of the water from the faucet in the bathtub).  Notice the smells (the salt of the ocean, the rustic smoke of the fire, the fragrance of the flowers, the aroma of the soap, the crisp smell of old books).  Imagine touching the objects in this space.  Feel (the sand between your toes, the water soaking into your skin, the softness of the couch, or the feel of the grass under your feet).  Simply enjoy your place of refuge as long as you want allowing it to become more tangible and develop beyond what you initially noticed.

If you would like, invite your loved one you are missing into this space with you.  Spend time with them here if you like or use this space to be alone.  Remember you carry this place of refuge inside of you.  You carry it wherever you go.  Your sanctuary is unique and personal.  It will reflect who you are as a person.  This is your place.  Your safe space.  Your place of refuge.  This is your place to heal.

Adapted from www.mindfulnessinfo.com/exercise-6-visualization