May 4th, 2013
Dear Sweet Nora,
I don't know what to say. I miss you more and more everyday. Sometimes, I think the sadness gets deeper. The grief gets harder. But your dad and I manage to make it through.
I have an important question to ask you today. I am really scared bringing up the subject, but honey, your dad and I decided that we are ready to try again for another baby. I want you to understand that trying for another baby is not meant to replace you. Oh, honey, you could never be replaced.
Your dad and I were talking about trying again the other day in a couple's therapy session and your dad said the sweetest thing. He said that part of the reason he was nervous about trying again was because he just couldn't believe any other baby could be as beautiful as you. He said, "I don't know if any baby could be as beautiful as Nora," with tears in his eyes. He loves you so much. As do I.
So you understand that this new baby, if we are blessed with one, wouldn't be to replace you, but to hopefully help fill the large whole that is left in our hearts from the place you were supposed to be. I don't think that any baby will ever fully sutcher the scar that is there, forever on our hearts. But maybe Nora, maybe another baby could heal our hearts just enough, that the wound will heal, but the scar tissue will forever show.
So, I end this letter, Nora, by asking for your blessing. Your dad and I believe it is time to try again. I want you to remember, it doesn't mean that we love you any less. We just want to make you a big sister. Even though I know how much it sucks being a big sister sometimes. (I know from experience, ask your Awesome Aunt Kristi.)
I hope you will send me a sign that we have your blessing. Even though I know that is silly to believe in. But I will be looking to see if you are ready for us to try again too.
I miss you. I love you. I can't put into words how much I miss and love you.
Love Always & Forever,
Mom
I'm crying.This is so beautiful, Lindsey. Nora is so fortunate to have you as her mom.
ReplyDeleteThanks, this means a lot.
DeleteI love this post, I'm sure Nora is going to send you and your hubby a great sign. She would love to see your heart whole, for her as well as family and I'm sure she would be a proud big sister!
ReplyDeleteThanks Rochelle. I am still looking, but I am sure it will come.
DeleteLOVE.
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog for a month or so now. My husband (who is also named Nick) and I lost our first baby at 7 weeks pregnant. I know it isn't much, but we were so happy because we were told we couldn't have kids. When we lost that baby, we felt like we didn't want to try again, out of fear, out of grief and out of love for the baby we lost. Ultimately, we decided to try again and I gave birth to our second baby, a beautiful girl, on February 25th 2013. People ask me how many kids we have, I am always proud to say that we have two.
ReplyDeleteLindsey, Nora has already given you a sign. That sign is all of the love and strength that Nora gave you, all of the love and strength that you and Nick have for her. She gave you so much love, that there is more than enough to give to a new life and she knows that you, as her mother, are strong and that you can do this again. Love is always the best sign.