Sunday, May 19, 2013

Sundays at Grandma's - His Story, Nora's Dad Shares

First off, I want to apologize for not posting yesterday.  We are out of town and have been having some technical difficulties.  

But, today in Sundays at Grandma's we will be hearing from Nicholas, Nora's dad and my husband.  I want to thank Nick again for being able to go to the dark places of grief and share his story in order to help others with theirs.  

His Story

The story begins about a year ago when I found out that my wife, Lindsey, was pregnant.  We had been trying to get pregnant for a few months when she came into the bedroom on the morning that we were closing on our new home.  She came over to me, as I just got out of the shower, and handed me something.  I looked at what she had just handed me and realized it was a pregnancy test.   I knew immediately the reason she had handed it to me.  She was pregnant.  I was so excited.  I always wanted to be a father.  I thought this was the greatest day.  We were buying a house and I found out I was going to be a dad.

Throughout the pregnancy I was hardly nervous at all, but every now and then Lindsey would express some concern and I would comfort her when she would get nervous, as I had no fear.  I had no reason to fear.
On December 30th at 2:00 in the morning Lindsey woke me and told me she was feeling labor pains, so I calmly got the bag we had prepared.  We got in the car and drove to the hospital with anticipated excitement.  When we arrived the nurse took us into a room and used the Doppler device to look for the baby’s heartbeat.  After a minute or so she tried another device.  That didn’t seem to work so she retrieved the doctor who tried to find the heartbeat of our baby girl.  I remember him looking at us and saying the worst thing I have ever heard in my life,  “I’m sorry.  We’re not finding what we are looking for.”  My heart sank.  I held Lindsey’s hand as we absorbed the news.  Everything we had prepared for during the last nine months was all for nothing.  All our hopes and dreams of how we would raise our daughter were, in that moment, destroyed.  

The doctor said the safest option was to have Lindsey give birth naturally.  I thought to myself, “What torture this is."  To hear your baby has died and then be asked to go through labor and give birth to a baby that will never open her eyes.  Over the course of the next 12 hours Lindsey demonstrated more courage than I have ever witnessed.  She gave birth to our daughter, Nora, at 3:00 in the afternoon that Sunday.  At first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hold her, to remember her as this lifeless baby, but I took her in my arms and felt a deep love and a maddening sadness at the same time.  This was my baby girl, Nora; this was my daughter.
The weeks following this ordeal (I still don’t know if I should refer to it as Nora’s death or her birth) were difficult to get back to normal.  We rearranged our lives to prepare for her, now we had to rearrange them back somehow.  We had to stop preparing to raise a child and had to concentrate on finding stability.  I was nervous how this might effect our relationship.  Would Lindsey sink into depression?  Would I become irritable and get frustrated with inconsequential things?  These fears subsided after time.  Our relationship grew even stronger as we were given the support we needed from friends and family.
What I learned from this, what Nora taught me, was that the most important thing in life is friends and family.  We found out that we are extremely lucky to have such a close network of people who care for us and each other.  I knew this before of course.  I have always had a deep appreciation of those close to me, but the support shown was moving.  Nora reinforced my belief that the importance of relationships and experiences will always trump material things.  She also taught me that we can get through anything, we can overcome anything. And finally, she made me a dad.  That is a powerful gift.    


  1. Nicholas, sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your story. Your words and feelings are I am sure what most dads feel and think before the birth of a child. Then to go through hearing that your baby has died is devastating for both partners. I think it amazing how strong young parents are, and how a baby who never took the breath of life can make such a deep and lasting impact on your life and the way you look at things. Wishing you and Lindsey love and happiness.

  2. Nick. Thank you for sharing. I agree with Pamela. Both you and Lindsey are so amazingly strong. I often wonder how the two of you do it--but obviously it is the love you have for each other that gets you through those dark times. Love to both of you:)


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