My Pair of Shoes

Today I am taking a break from reporting about My Grief Project.  I will discuss my progress on My Grief Project and Meditation next Friday, and then the Friday after that I will report on my experience with yoga for healing.

I am taking a break today due to the fact that I had a hard day yesterday. 
Well, hard does not really give it the credit it deserves.

You see, I am frustrated.  I feel at times that people who have not walked in my shoes really don't understand the depth of my pain.  They don't understand that I will be forever changed but not changed at all.  They can't seem to comprehend that I am not ready, nor should I be ready, to be 100% of who I used to be before the death of my daughter.  It has only been a little over 3 months.  My daughter should be in diapers now and I should be dropping her off at daycare, instead she sits in ashes on her dresser in an empty nursery.

So you might ask me ask what I need you to know. 
Well, I need you to know that I am doing pretty damn good for someone in my position. 
I need you to know that I am not over it and I never will be. 
I need you to know that you can't even begin to understand if you haven't walked in my shoes. 
I need you to know that I am not the same and please don't expect me to be. 
I need you to know about the pair of shoes I wear.

 

“A Pair of Shoes”

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

~~Author unknown~~

This poem is not mine, it is borrowed from a mom who understands, although I do not know her name.  A dear friend of mine, that I have met through blogging sent it to me.  Today it made sense to post it.  Thank you, Pamela, for sharing your words of courage and support with me as we walk our paths of grief after child loss together, you as a grieving grandma to a beautiful grandson and I as a mother to my only daughter. 

Pamela is from the Netherlands and has a wonderful website full of helpful resources about stillbirth at erwaseens.org.