Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Her Name is "Honor"

Well her name is Nora, but it means "woman of honor" in Latin, or "light" in Arabic.  Even better in Hebrew Nora means "awesome."  I think my daughter is pretty awesome.  She is the light of my life, even if she is no longer with me, and now all I must do is "honor" her memory here on earth.  It's kind of bizzare how her name has forshadowed her future.

Before Nora's death I never much believed in fate and I'm still unclear if I do or not.  However, since she passed away I sometimes get this feeling that the concept of linear time does not exist.  That I am living my life at every age and every stage all at the same time in different parts of the universe and my reality is just the moment that I am aware of.  I know this is trippy, but I say this because I feel as if my daughter was just destined to be "Nora" because a different Lindsey had already determined it to be so and knew that I would spend the rest of my life honoring her instead of being with her.

For instance, when Nick and I were searching for baby names, we could never settle on a boy's name, we had a whole list that we liked, but when searching for girls names we never even created a list because we couldn't agree on anyone girl name that we liked.  Then one night, as I was laying in bed, I came across the name Nora and I loved the meaning.  I wanted a strong name for my daughter as she grew.  I wanted her to grow into a "woman of honor" because I believed she had great things ahead of her.  She was going to be someone special to the world.

So I turned over in bed and said to my husband, "What about Nora?  Nora Kelly?" Nora was a deriviate of Norine which is my mother's middle name, and Kelly was Nick's mom's madian name. The perfect combination for our little girl to be, if she was a little girl, we didn't know at this point. 

Nick paused for a moment as he thought about my suggestion and said, "I like that.  I like that a lot."  And in his soft, quite, reassuring voice he repeated her name out loud, "Nora. Nora Kelly." and a smile formed on his face and he said, "Yes, if it's a girl we will call her Nora." 

Then, at our 20 week ultrasound, we got to see how big our baby had gotten.  The baby was moving and rolling around and sticking it's tongue out at us.  Thirty minutes into the appointment I finally asked the ultrasound tech the gender of our baby.  I had a clue because I did not see any little manliness and with a joyful tone the ultrasound tech said, "It's a girl!"  Nick and I said "A girl?!"  And were in shock at the revelation.  Immediately I thought about the stages of raising a girl: her with pigtails in sundresses, and then her tomboy phase, and then the day Nick would walk her down the isle at her wedding.  I was overwhelemed by the responsiblity of this, but somewhere inside I knew she was going to be a girl, so I was comforted by my intuition being right.

As we left the appointment, with wonderful news that every organ of our little girl was perfect, Nick and I walked out together holding hands and looking at the first pictures of our daughter and Nick said as he stared at the picture, "So this is Nora."  I smiled and said, "Well I guess we have decided on a name."  He smiled back and leaned in to kiss me.  We were a happy family that day.

"So what's in a name?"  I believe that we name our children based on the faith and hope we have for their spirits and their journeys in this life.  I believe that we, as expecting parents, are already parents on a different universal plain.  And on this plain, our "other" selves are already parents, who are somehow speaking to us and letting us know intuitively that or children have a destiny, and their name is the first step towards defining our child's journey.

Nora is my light, and I do believe she is awesome.  Why wouldn't she be?  After all, her mom and dad are pretty cool.  And even though she does not walk beside me in this life, I will honor her everyday of mine, moving forward in whatever way I can because I believe that my little girl, in some alternate universe, got to grow up into a "woman of honor."

~Still Breathing...Lindsey

1 comment:

  1. Yes, yes, this post is something I've thought and felt but have never been able to verbalize. I feel this very same way.


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