Grief Project: A No Complaining Day

So for November I have been focusing on power of the attitude of gratitude when it comes to helping me enjoy life while still experiencing grief.  It's been really helpful for me so far.  I have to reiterate that I don't think I would have been ready for this thought process early on in my grief.  I believe it has taken me awhile to get to a place where I can invite true gratefulness and joy back into my life.  But a part of me remembers in the early days of grief, those darkened days when life seemed so pointless, so empty, so scary, gratitude helped me even then.

You see a part of me was overwhelmed with how much love and support we received from family and friends.  Even though Nora was no longer in our lives, even though her love and cuddles were missing, love poured in and encompassed Nick and I in this soft blanket of caring and support. We were grateful for this.  This outpouring of love is what kept us alive and was like a rope out of the dark hole we had been slung into by life, and noticing my gratitude for all my family and friends is what really started my path to healing.  I reached out to these beloved earthly angels through a letter I wrote a few weeks after Nora passed as token of my gratitude. Here is the letter from the early days of my grief but also from my gratitude.  

That letter was the start to me wanting to use gratitude to help heal my grief.  I just didn't know it yet.  Now, months later, I see the importance of gratitude and my attitude about my pain and sorrow.  They are like opposite ends of a compass, both must co-exist for balance to occur.

No Complaining Day

Yesterday I practiced gratitude all day by challenging myself to a NO COMPLAINING DAY!  It was HARD.  I did great in the morning, when I was getting ready for work and by myself, but the minute I said hi to the receptionist at work on my way to my office I did what every Midwesterner does.  I made small talk about the weather and guess what, in Minnesota it's COLD right now, so my first complaint came out of my mouth.

Then later in the day I noticed myself while with a client, having all these judgements and thoughts about checking in with a coworker and complaining about my session with this client.  Then I realized I was planning in my mind to COMPLAIN ON PURPOSE!!! What is that?  So, I was proud of myself when I didn't and was mindful of how that could impact my mood.

Throughout the day it got easier and the less I complained, the more I focused on the positive through not focusing on the negative by complaining, I became happier.  By the time I went home from work, I was in a GREAT MOOD!!! It was awesome. I felt lighter, more content, and overall like a better person for choosing the high ground.

I think  all and all I complained 8 times yesterday, but no one's perfect.  Let's get this straight, I'm not complaining about complaining. :)

I know it's hard to have a positive attitude and be grateful for things when life has stacked the deck against you, but sometimes a simple act of not complaining can make your day a little easier, if you feel ready to accept the challenge. 

Knocked Up Blogger - Week 16 The Anxiety During Pregnancy After Loss

Today is Thursday!  Which means another post about pregnancy after loss.  Take a trip over to Pregnancy & Newborn Magazine and check out my article as their Knocked Up Blogger by clicking here. 

“How are you feeling today?” The nurse asked me this past Wednesday, as she closed the door to the tiny exam room for my 16 week checkup.  Those words apparently were all I needed to hear to release the pent up anxiety hiding inside me behind a façade of calm and collectedness.  Alligator tears came pouring out of my eyes.  As I sobbed, “I said fine.”  This was obviously NOT the case.

I know anxiety is common, even normal during pregnancy. I remember having the typical concerns during my first pregnancy: Will this baby be healthy? Is that food safe to eat?  Will I be a good mom?  All these worries, and more, ran through my head on a daily basis, sometimes more than once a day.  I mean, it’s a BIG responsibility growing a new life inside you and it’s scary.

My fretfulness during this pregnancy has been 10 times worse as anxiety is now my constant companion.  I expected to feel more anxious with baby No. 2 after losing baby No. 1, but I never thought worry would be as persistent as it is.  Living with anxiety during a pregnancy after a loss is like walking on a tight rope for nine months, with no safety net below, just waiting in fear that I will slip and fall.

Even the littlest things can send me into a nervous spiral, an ache from round ligament pain, a cramp from constipation, and silence from the ultrasound tech, all of these increasing the already overwhelming amount of worries asking the question, “Will baby be OK?”  This past week one of those anxiety whirlwinds hit when I remembered that I had not heard back from my doctor about my most recent lab work to test for birth defects.  The nurse informed me that I should have the results back within twenty-four hours from my appointment.  As I thought about this sitting on the couch after work, I realized it was 5:30 p.m. on Friday!!!  My mind immediately spun in all directions conjuring up every negative possibility that could be WHY I didn’t hear back from the doctor on time.  “This must mean something is wrong.” My mind wouldn’t even comprehend that it could just be a clerical error, no; it decided to do fearful summersaults, over and over again until I was dizzy.

I sat on the couch in dread as there was no one to talk to, my husband wasn’t home yet, and the clinic was closed.  Not knowing what to do, I cried.  Tears of fear emptied out of me as I succumbed to being powerless and anxiety stricken.  Out of desperation I called the afterhours nurse’s line in hopes that someone there might have an answer.  Luckily, the kind angel on the other end of the line was able to calm my fears and reassure me that my test result came back negative.  Baby was fine.  I was fine.  Relief set in and I cried all over again.

Overwhelming anxiety can be a real concern if left untreated in pregnancy. I have come up with a list of ways to manage my anxiety for the next 6 months that work for me and that I have discussed with my doctor and therapist.  I share in hopes that you too might find a strategy below helpful, if you also struggle from anxiety after loss or just typical worries that come from creating a life for 9 months:

• Practice Self-Care: Going to bed early, giving myself permission to do less housework, and spending time relaxing with my husband and little dog.
• Use the “What If Question” to My Advantage: “What if (insert negative thought here) happens?”  Then I envision myself coming up with a solution or possible future action.  It usually ends with, “Even if the WORST happens, I can handle it.”
• Avoid Google: I know I do it.  As soon as there is a concern I turn to Google for help.  As if it’s a magic eight ball that will solve my problems.  When in reality, I usually walk away more fretful about my most recent worry than I did before.  I no longer Google concerns, I call the nurse.
• Talk to a Supportive Loved One:  Talking to my husband, therapist, doctor, nurse, and other pregnant friends, has been extremely helpful in reducing my anxiety.  Surrounding myself with supportive loved ones has been some of the best medicine to help me through anxious moments of both pregnancies.

Grief Project: 35 Songs for Mourning Your Child

The other night I was in a down mood.  My sadness had found me as I was cooking dinner before Nick got home.  I usually cook with music on so I decided to turn the song up.  It was a song I listened to when Nora was alive called, "The Big White Gate" by Grace Potter and The Nocturnals.  It's a song about being on your death bed and contemplating life here and after.  I love it.  It resonates with me.  So in that moment I turned it up and starting belting out tunes at the top of my lungs.

Now, if you know me, you would know I can't carry a tune to save my life.  I'm such a bad singer my mother even told me never to sing.  Now that's awful.  But with no one around and for the sake of my soul, I sang anyways.  I think no matter what our ability is to hit the right pitch or not, there is something releasing about singing.  Something, harmonious (and not just the notes) about music.  It's connection to the soul opens a special passage way to healing.

Music Therapy is a a clinical and evidenced-based practice of using musical intervention to attend to one's mental health.  The idea of using music to help the bereaved heal from grief is to help the bereaved person "tell and retell their story both as orators and listeners" Joy S. Berger states in her article Playing with Playlists in Techniques of Grief Therapy. Here she talks about how using musical playlists helps the bereaved continue to create bonds through music they associate with the deceased.  Ultimately, as Berger states, "orientating (the bereaved) to both loss and restoration." 

Inspired by Carly Marie's #CaptureYourGrief October photo a day challenge, Day 9 - Music, I created a play list of 35 songs bereaved mothers identified that reminds them of their children.  Even before creating this larger list, I had created my own that helped me get through grief after the death of Nora. The first 7 are from my playlist.  The rest I gathered from other bereaved moms.  I hope you enjoy it.  If you have a song to add, just leave it in a comment at the bottom of the post.  I would love to know about it.

35 Songs for Mourning Your Child

1. Stars by Grace Potter & The Nocturnals
2. Halleluiah by The Coverband (Original version by Alexandra Burke)
3. Ave Maria by Beyonce 
4. A Mother's Prayer by Celine Dion
5. Just Give Me A Reason by Pink
6. Lullaby by The Dixie Chicks
7. I Dreamed a Dream from Les Miserables
8. See You Again By Carrie Underwood
9. Beautiful Boy by John Lennon 
10. Baby of Mine by Alison Krauss
11. Angel by Beverly Mitchell
12. Truly, Madly, Deeply, by Savage Garden
13. Fly by Celine Dion
14. Small Bump by Ed Sheeran
15. Holes by Passanger
16. In the Arms of an Angel by Sarah Mclachlan
17. Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne
18. Baby Blue by Dave Matthews Band
19. Sweet Baby James by James Taylor
20. I Will Cary You by Selah
21. Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel (IZ)
22. Home by Philip Phillips 
23. Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney
24. Here Comes Goodbye by Rascal Flatts
25. I'll Be Missing You by Faith Evans & Puff Daddy
26. Far Away by Nickel Back
27. Let It Be by The Beattles
28. Real Love by Regina Spektor
29. I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab for Cutie
30. Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton
31. Lullaby by Billy Joel
32. Gone Too Soon by Daughtry
33. Hey Ho by the Luminers
34. Elizabeth, You Were Born to Play That Part by Ryan Adams
35. The Sun Goes Down, The Stars Come Out by The Wanted

Inspirational Bereaved Parent - Guest Post from Andy's Mom Audra

Today I am honored to welcome Andy's Mom, Audra. Audra's Son Andy sadly passed away in 2009 at five months old due to spinal muscular atrophy.  From his short little life Audra has created a beautiful legacy of love by writing about her struggles with grief from the loss of a child due to a fatal illness as well as by educating others about spinal muscular atrophy and providing them with helpful resources.

This is Andy and Audra's story.  I hope you are as INSPIRED by her love for Andy as I am. 

Our firstborn son, Andy, was diagnosed with spinal muscular atrophy (SMA), an often-fatal degenerative neuromuscular disease, when he was just nine weeks old. While little known, SMA is the number one genetic killer of children under the age of two years. At the time of his diagnosis, Andy’s doctors told us that we would be lucky if he lived for another six months.

While my husband and I were heartbroken, we pushed our pain aside to learn all we could about SMA and to help Andy fight it. He endured countless visits to specialists, therapy sessions, and medications to combat the progression of the disease. But, with no treatment or cure available, SMA still caused his muscles to weaken a little more each day, eventually impacting his ability to suck, swallow, and breathe. The disease took Andy’s life on June 4, 2009, just four days shy of his five month birthday.

Although our sweet baby boy was physically weak, he was amazingly strong in spirit. Andy’s body was paralyzed, but his eyes danced. He taught us to smile in the face of grief and proved the power of laughter. He showed us how important it was not to take time or family for granted. He was so very brave. And, with his passing, he gave us – and me specifically – a purpose. I left my full-time job to dedicate myself to making a difference in the fight against SMA in his name and to provide a support network for other families facing the disease. I joined the local executive board of a national SMA organization, but soon found that I needed to do more – I was compelled to create a lasting legacy for my son.

I had been writing about my journey through grief as a way to cope personally, but realized that my words might benefit others dealing with the loss of a child if I made them public. So, I launched a website called “Andy’s Army” at www.andysarmy.com in 2010. The first post was a letter to Andy on what should have been his first birthday. Since then, posts have chronicled my fight with anxiety and depression, our efforts to have healthy children, and our struggles to heal as a family. I also include facts about SMA and community events on the site, as well as more disease-related resources for newly diagnosed families. My hope is that families can find comfort and assistance through Andy’s Army – and that Andy will always be remembered as the brave heart that he was.

Audra Butler is a writer, philanthropist, and, most importantly, a proud mother of three beautiful children – two in her arms and one in heaven.  You can follow Audra's story at Andy's Army where you can find resources and education about spinal muscular atrophy and child loss. 

November's Grief Project - Attitude of Gratitude

Welcome November!  With the new month comes a new project to help soothe my grief.  For November I decided I would focus on the Attitude of Gratitude, or how to focus on the positive in order to see beauty and joy in the world, even while grief still lives with me.  I know that not everyone might be ready for this step, that is why for me, I planned it later in my grief journey.  But, I think there is something healing in the power of being thankful and so does science.

Michael Craig Miller M.D. from Harvard Medical School who writes for InteliHealth.com states that "Researchers who study gratitude find that it is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness" and that "Gratitude helps people: feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build stronger relationships."  all which would help ease feelings of sorrow and depression brought on by grief.

Not satisfied with that answer?  Then check out this video from Soul Pancake for proof that happiness increases with the use of gratitude (and therefore hopefully help balance feelings of grief). 



Wow!  Wasn't that cool!  Point proven (I hope).  In Dr. Miller's article, The Mental Health Benefits of Gratitude, he also goes on to give examples of how one can cultivate gratitude for a happier life, with reduction of mental health or in our case, grief symptoms.  Dr. Miller lists the following as ideas to help bring my gratitude, thereby joy into your life.

1. Write Thank You Notes
2. Thank Someone Mentally
3. Keep A "Gratitude Journal"
4. Pray & Mediate

He writes that in order to cultivate gratitude for happiness we need to make it a daily habit, not just once or during a certain time of year.  So for the month of November I thought I would give it a try to help soften my grief, or at least find bright spots in the day again.  Below is a list of ideas and techniques I plan on using throughout this month.  I will post about them as we go.

8 Attitude of Gratitude Ideas & Techniques

1. Day of "Thank You" Universe
2. Affirmations
3. Day of NOT Complaining, NOT Even Once
4. Gratitude Journals
5. Thank Someone Mentally
6. Send Thank You Cards
7. Negative Thought Stopping Techniques
8. Meditate
9. Gratitude for Grief Photo Challenge 

(If you have anymore, just let me know.  I would love to add it to the list and try it out.  I'm always open to new ideas.)

Oh, and if you are wondering what happened to some of the techniques I mentioned using in other months but haven't posted about yet, I promise I will post them.  I have already done them all.  It is just so hard to fit everything in. 

Anyways, I look forward to this month and hope that by focusing on cultivating an attitude of gratitude for 30 days I will find some happiness even in a life after loss.  I mean, that is all we can really hope for, right?