Saturday, February 15, 2014

Dear Brave Heart...You Deserve This.

Dear Brave Heart,

Is it okay if I call you that? Because you totally are. Bringing in new life after facing unthinkable loss, takes courage all of it's own. Courage, and new love. Transformation. It will be some of the hardest work you will ever, ever do. But I don't have to tell you, that it will all be worth it.

It's been a little over a year since we brought home our second rainbow and four and half years since we lost our first child. She was a girl and born 11 weeks early. Since then we've had two NICU "rainbow" children. None of this has been a cakewalk. I've heard everything from "Why aren't you happy about this?" (referring to my pregnancy) to "you're finally getting your girl!!". I think it is safe to say, that our friends and family try but they might as well be walking on eggshells because there is pretty much nothing you can say that doesn't NOW have a different meaning. None of those phrases were meant to hurt, but they did.

Leaving room for joy in pregnancy after loss

Aside from the comments, my first rainbow pregnancy was an absolute disaster. It was terror-filled. To the brim. I can hardly remember details, and only that I did not allow any space for joy. I didn't intentionally shun it, there just wasn't any room for it, does that make sense? It was awful.

So, I wrote a book on it when I fell pregnant with my second "rainbow" child. I didn't realize that my pregnancy was filled with that much terror until I tried to remember it, and couldn't. It was like one big blur. It made my heart ache. This might sound contradictory, but all in all, I really do love to be pregnant - the kicks, the tummy growing, feeling the baby move and my word, the heartbeat!!! Pregnancy is SUCH a miracle! So when I couldn't remember my pregnancy with our first "rainbow" child, I made a pact with myself that this would be a fear-free and guilt-free zone this go-around. This was a gift to myself, and to my newest child. I would enjoy her. I wanted to remember this. I deserved this.


I am big on mantras. You can write something on a Post-It note that encourages your heart in the right way and affirms your decision to enjoy this pregnancy, and maybe stick it on your mirror so you run into it every morning. Or set yourself little random reminders on your phone. Be intentional. Guilt and fear will be, so you have to be vigilant.

One thing I super-struggled with, with my first "rainbow" pregnancy was guilt. Oh my word, the guilt. I felt like I was flat-out betraying my daughter we had buried only months before (four to be exact). What right did I have to be happy again? Did I even know how to be happy? Did I want to be happy!? I wanted a baby. More than anything in this world, but this was the epitome of bittersweet. Choosing between life and death.

The real hard facts are that we have the rest of our lives to grieve for the children we will never hold again, but we only have a very small window in time to grow this new life and allow ourselves to be swallowed up in new motherhood once again. It is a sacred journey. And one you don't have to travel alone.

You deserve this, Brave Heart Mama. So find your mantra. Words that help your heart each morning and throughout the day, and let them minister to you - to shun out the fear and guilt and make room for the joy that is yours for the taking.

~Franchesca Cox

My name is Franchesca. I sometimes write. I sometimes draw. The moments in between I run a little household, raise babies and try to wear something that makes me feel pretty from time to time. I'm a saved by grace, hippie-at-heart kind of mama. A Texas-raised, creative soul who loves words and is much to clumsy to wear heels for any extended amount of time. I'm a big fan of adventure - big or small - and choosing to chase LOVE in the face of loss.

Don't forget to link to your own PAL Love Letter below or share your Love Letter to a Mom Pregnant Again After Loss on our partner site by clicking here.

1 comment:

  1. This literally could not have come at a better time for me to read than today. I'm struggling with telling our 4 year old we are expecting. We are 15 weeks. In August, we found out at our 15 week appointment that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. We had heard his/her heartbeat at 11 weeks. Our daughter saw me so sad and cry for weeks. As we've been doing IVF and were in a program that we have a year to complete 3 fresh cycles, we had to move forward pretty quickly in order to complete our 3rd fresh cycle. So far the baby seems healthy but once you've gone through unexpected loss, it's hard to let your guard down. The amount of panic and nervousness I feel in between appointments is crazy.


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