This is first letter that I’ve wrote to you. I wasn’t sure what to say and I’m still not sure, but I do want to thank you for making me a dad. For the past five months I’ve wondered if I really am a dad because you never lived outside of your mom. I only knew you through her. I watched as her belly grew and I was excited everyday as we were one day closer to meeting you and being together, but it didn’t work out that way.
I suppose it was a double loss when you passed away. I lost my beautiful daughter and I lost the identity that I had taken on when your mom got pregnant. I lost the ability to call myself a father. I felt guilty for my self-pity over losing that identity. Shouldn’t my grief focus solely on the loss of you and not be focused on me? But I kept envisioning myself pushing you in a swing or taking you for walks in the park or teaching you about the world. I would never be able to do those things that a dad is supposed to do.
When your mom was pregnant I constantly researched what she should eat so you would be healthy. I looked into daycares and elementary schools nearby. I read about child development and nurturing techniques. Your mom and I took classes on swaddling and baby CPR. By doing these things I cared for you and protected you. In this way you made me a dad. I want to let you know that I will continue to care for and protect your memory and you will always be a part of our family.