Monday, March 4, 2013

Please Forgive Me...Ms. Soul

Ms. Soul,

I'm sorry.  Oh, how I'm so sorry.  I'm in pain, indescribable pain.  It's not physical, physical pain I can handle, I can heal it with white blood cells and scabs, I can control it with aspirin and rest.  It's emotional pain.  I weep. I wail.  I cry with every cell of my being.  This is not fair.  I feel so responsible, and yet, so violated and helpless.

Ms. Soul, I tried everything.  I tried to save her.  She was my only focus, my main purpose for those 9 months.  I wanted her just as much as you did, in some ways more.  I knew her.  I'm not saying this to make you jealous, and maybe part of the reason you are so angry with me, is because I did know.  I knew every square inch of her body, inside and out, because I created her.  I got to spend more time with her.  She only ever knew us, through me, through the physical, through the body.  I can understand why this hurts you so.

But, Ms. Soul, I did, oh I so did intend to and want to share her with you.  I was making her for us to spend time with.  To bond with, outside of the womb.  To feed, to comfort, to hold.  I never meant for any of this to happen. I was violated too.  I was robbed as well.  I feel helpless and like a failure.  I let you down Ms. Soul, you are the last person I want to let down. I need you.  I need us to be one again.

You see, I made her for you.  I wanted you to have her.  I carried her, protected her, and nurtured her for you to spend the rest of your days with her.  I did not know this would happen.  I did not intend for her to be taken, at the last moment, before I gave her up to the world.  How I wish I would have given her to the world sooner.  I regret not doing this.  I thought she would be safer inside, with me, away from the suffering of the world in which we live.  Looking back, I would change it all.  I would have delivered her into this world a day or two sooner.  But Lindsey, I didn't know.  I didn't know what was happening.  And I tried, oh Lindsey how I tried to fight for her.  But, it wasn't enough.  I failed and I'm sorry.

But, how do we go on Ms. Soul.  I need you.  You need me.  We can not divorce each other in this life, truly, until my death. And if we continue to fight like this, like separated, angry, parents, we cannot move forward.  We will be forever stuck in a game of hate.

Ms. Soul, I know you do not believe in religion, and I don't know how I feel about spirituality, but there was a day where you and I made a commitment to one another for this life time.  We agreed to wed, and be each others witnesses in this life.  That day was the day you were born.  It was then, that I made a promise to you, to be your vessel to experience this world through, and do my best to provide you with health, safety, and well being.  I intend on keeping that promise.

But, like a married couple trying to navigate the loss of a child, I need your support, not your blame.  I need your commitment to this symbolic marriage, not your disappointment and guilt.  However, even if you are not ready or cannot give me these things, I will stay in this marriage until death do us part, because I am committed to you for a lifetime, this lifetime.

Ms. Soul, Lindsey, I miss you. I want you back.  I want us back.  I want her back too, but know that will never be.  Maybe for you, Ms. Soul, maybe you will be able to be with her again someday in some cosmic way, but know that my time with her is gone.  I mourn this, but I don't want to mourn alone any longer.  I want to mourn together, as one again.

Please forgive me and release me from my burden of guilt and blame.

Yours for a lifetime,

Ms. Body        


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