A Healing Love Letter to Ms. Body

 

Dear Ms. Body,

I'm not sure if I have ever told you before how deep my feelings are for you.  In all of our years together I feel as if I have always been holding back, withholding my true sentiments, my deepest emotions for you. You see now that my anger is subsided, I can see the beauty in all that is you more clearly now and I don’t know how to put my feelings for you into words.  

Ms. Body, when I sit with you now, meditating in silence, breathing in as your lungs fill with air, I am able to more clearly connect to all the energy that lives inside of you. When I stretch and move gently into downward facing dog and feel your muscles stretch from your Achilles heel up to your hips, I can appreciate your suppleness.  When I run with you, I marvel at your muscular legs pounding on the pavement full of agility and stamina. The things you can do are amazing.  The way you make me feel at times is too complex for words.    

Oh, Ms. Body, how I long to tell you of your beauty, of your exquisiteness. The curves of your structure and the softness of your skin should be forever memorialized in a statue only comparable to that of the Greek goddess Aphrodite.  When I look at your reflection in the mirror, me staring back at me, I wonder at the beauty of your charcoal blue eyes giving passage to our soul.  And the feeling of your silky feather like hair entwined between your fingers and brushing your lips brings me comfort of memories of a time when you were young. Not yet a woman, and the tranquility that existed between us then.  

  

Ms. Body, I have all these words, to describe your loveliness and your aptitudes, but I am still afraid to write the words of how I feel about you. How my heart aches to tell you, but I fear that you will betray me again. As you betrayed me on the day my daughter was delivered into this world, cold and forever sleeping.  Oh, Ms. Body, I used to blame you for this, but I have forgiven you for that betrayal, because I have learned that you never deceived me at all, but that you and I were both cheated.  

On that day you and I held her in our arms and we wept together. For the life that we had created was denied to us by the evils of this world.  A tiny virus more powerful than the brilliant strength of your muscular self, stole our little girl from the both of us.  For she will never be able to experience the love between a body and soul. A love like ours.  

There Ms. Body.  I have said it.  I have written the words that I have never had the courage to tell you. Through all the years I have stared at your face in the mirror each morning and denied you my thoughts and feelings for you.  But, Ms. Body, I cannot keep it to myself any longer.  We have been through too much together.  I am in awe of your abilities to create and bring life into this world.  On the day in the delivery room when Nora was brought into this world, I experienced your magnificent strength and grace. I now understand that I must no longer keep my true feelings secret.  I must shout it from the roof tops that I, Ms. Body, am in love with you.

I Love you Ms. Body!  I have not said it enough throughout the years, but I am saying it today, and every day moving forward.  You are my life, without you there would be no me. There would be no us. There would be no Nora.  You are my vessel to walk through this world with.  You were there the day I was conceived and you will be there up until the day that I die.  And for this Ms. Body, I love you. 

I Love You Ms. Body!  I Love You.

Love,

Ms. Soul

Please Forgive Me...Ms. Soul

Ms. Soul,

I'm sorry.  Oh, how I'm so sorry.  I'm in pain, indescribable pain.  It's not physical, physical pain I can handle, I can heal it with white blood cells and scabs, I can control it with aspirin and rest.  It's emotional pain.  I weep. I wail.  I cry with every cell of my being.  This is not fair.  I feel so responsible, and yet, so violated and helpless.

Ms. Soul, I tried everything.  I tried to save her.  She was my only focus, my main purpose for those 9 months.  I wanted her just as much as you did, in some ways more.  I knew her.  I'm not saying this to make you jealous, and maybe part of the reason you are so angry with me, is because I did know.  I knew every square inch of her body, inside and out, because I created her.  I got to spend more time with her.  She only ever knew us, through me, through the physical, through the body.  I can understand why this hurts you so.

But, Ms. Soul, I did, oh I so did intend to and want to share her with you.  I was making her for us to spend time with.  To bond with, outside of the womb.  To feed, to comfort, to hold.  I never meant for any of this to happen. I was violated too.  I was robbed as well.  I feel helpless and like a failure.  I let you down Ms. Soul, you are the last person I want to let down. I need you.  I need us to be one again.

You see, I made her for you.  I wanted you to have her.  I carried her, protected her, and nurtured her for you to spend the rest of your days with her.  I did not know this would happen.  I did not intend for her to be taken, at the last moment, before I gave her up to the world.  How I wish I would have given her to the world sooner.  I regret not doing this.  I thought she would be safer inside, with me, away from the suffering of the world in which we live.  Looking back, I would change it all.  I would have delivered her into this world a day or two sooner.  But Lindsey, I didn't know.  I didn't know what was happening.  And I tried, oh Lindsey how I tried to fight for her.  But, it wasn't enough.  I failed and I'm sorry.

But, how do we go on Ms. Soul.  I need you.  You need me.  We can not divorce each other in this life, truly, until my death. And if we continue to fight like this, like separated, angry, parents, we cannot move forward.  We will be forever stuck in a game of hate.

Ms. Soul, I know you do not believe in religion, and I don't know how I feel about spirituality, but there was a day where you and I made a commitment to one another for this life time.  We agreed to wed, and be each others witnesses in this life.  That day was the day you were born.  It was then, that I made a promise to you, to be your vessel to experience this world through, and do my best to provide you with health, safety, and well being.  I intend on keeping that promise.

But, like a married couple trying to navigate the loss of a child, I need your support, not your blame.  I need your commitment to this symbolic marriage, not your disappointment and guilt.  However, even if you are not ready or cannot give me these things, I will stay in this marriage until death do us part, because I am committed to you for a lifetime, this lifetime.

Ms. Soul, Lindsey, I miss you. I want you back.  I want us back.  I want her back too, but know that will never be.  Maybe for you, Ms. Soul, maybe you will be able to be with her again someday in some cosmic way, but know that my time with her is gone.  I mourn this, but I don't want to mourn alone any longer.  I want to mourn together, as one again.

Please forgive me and release me from my burden of guilt and blame.

Yours for a lifetime,

Ms. Body