Wednesday, March 27, 2013

I Hear A Baby Cry...

I hear a baby cry...and I die inside.
I can look at pictures of babies on Facebook.
I can watch as a mom bounces her baby up and down on her lap and gazes into her precious son's eyes.  I can even smile and wave at the little baby in the stroller at the grocery store and tell her mom how cute her little girl is.
But, the minute I hear a baby cry, I die a little inside.
My heart sinks and sadness floods my soul.

Unfortunately, one of the draw backs of working at a women's organization is that women often times come as a packaged deal with children and where I work this often means babies.
My office door is open at times and not too far from the lobby and while typing at my computer I will hear a baby's cry drift up the stairwell from the lobby and into my office.
All of the sudden, my typing fingers will freeze into place as my heart sinks at the sound of the babies voice.

I will stop for a second and close my eyes, as I quietly die inside, as I sit in my office.
Eventually I will regain awareness that my feet still work and move to close the door in an effort to block out the sound, to block out the agony.
I just can't take the noise, the sound, the cry.
I can stomach a lot of triggers for my grief, but a baby cry is not one of them.
I feel no shame in relieving myself of this painful reminder of what I cannot have by silently shutting my office door.

Moving to the door I realize why the sound hurts my soul more than my ears.
I realize why it hurts so much in the deep vessels of my heart.  It aches and shakes my core because I never had it.
I never got sound.
Sounds never came out of my daughters mouth.
Her cry I was not privileged to in this life.
Her voice will forever be a mystery.
Her yelps will forever be silent and my ears will forever ache for her cry. 


  1. Lindsey, I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl. Keep writing, Mama. It's nice to visit your blog.
    -Burning Eye

    1. Thanks. I am following your blog too.



  2. Dear mommy, Jesus held me close to his chest & said, "Don't cry sweet baby Nora. Everything will be o.k."

  3. Lindsey, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Nora. I just found your blog and am reading it with tears streaming down my face. This post especially touched me - my first loss was in December 2011. My sweet boys, Wren and Noah, were born at 22 weeks 4 days. In July of last year, I had a miscarriage. I can relate to what you write here; a baby crying is still something I can't handle. It gets to me like nothing else.

    Thank you for sharing your heart. Prayers to you and your family as you walk this journey.

    1. Anne,

      I am sorry I did not reply sooner. Thank you for your kind words about our loss of Nora. I am so sorry about Wren and Noah, such beautiful names. My thoughts are with you and your family. I hope that a healthy pregnancy finds you in the future. You deserve it.




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