Below is my first journal entry to my daughter after her death. This is when I began, without realizing it, journaling in order to heal, and work through my grief.
My Sweet Nora,
You were born on August 9th, 2012. Well, actually, you were never born alive. But, on August 9th, 2012 at 4:30 p.m. you became REAL to me. This is the day your father and I saw you on the sonogram. We had seen you before, but since our last visit you had grown so much. On this day the nurse took your measurements and said you were "perfect". She used that word. I knew then that you were perfect too.
That is the day your dad and I also found out that you were a girl. To be honest with you honey, your dad and I wanted a boy, but over time grew to love the idea of having a beautiful baby girl. Your dad would be such a good "girl" dad. He would just be a good dad in general....but I will tell you more about him later. There is so much wonderful to tell about him.
Anyway, your father and I knew your name already on that day and after the appointment your dad and I agreed, you were Nora Kelly. You would be legally named, Norine Kelly, after my mom, your grandma Geraldine Norine, and your dad's mom, your grandma Barbara Jean (maiden name Kelly). But, we would call you Nora for short.
Your dad and I picked out names weeks before, we made a boy list and a girl list, like expectant parents do. The problem was we only liked one girl name, your name. It came to me one night laying in bed, and I turned to your dad and said, "what about Nora, Nora Kelly". He said, "Yeah, I like it". We never needed to decide on any of the boys names, I guess it was meant to be, to be you, Nora.
Oh, Nora, how I wish I could have the chance to yell down the hall, "Nora Kelly, you get down here" when you were a sassy teenager, but this story doesn't go that far. I have to admit, I used to practice in the car on the way to work, looking in my review mirror and imagining you there in your car seat, and I would say, "Nora Kelly, you're so beautiful," in a funny, high pitched, googly parent voice. I just love the way your name sounds. Did you know that your name means, "Honor", it's also Irish.
I guess I didn't know when naming you, that honoring you is all I would be able to do for you, as the only way for you to live on in our lives and our hearts. Darling, I miss you already. It's been 12 days since you left me, both physically and spiritually, and I miss you more than I ever thought possible.
Your dad misses you too. He misses the chance of never being able to experience you, like I had the privilege to do, with you inside me, sharing the same body. I grieve for him for not having that. Oh, honey, how I wanted to share you with him. He would have been such a good "girl" dad. He was so excited to meet you. We all were, your grandparents, grandma and grandpa F., grandma and grandpa H., Aunt Kristi and Uncle Zach, they are pretty neat. Your cousin Hannah and her mom, your aunt Carmen. Even Georgie, your puppy.
But, you see honey, you never breathed the air of this world. You never saw it's light or heard it's many noises, or smelled it's many smells. Your eyes and mine never met in the outside world. You see honey, the day you were birthed into this world, is also the day you died, in my heart and in life.
Don't worry honey, even though we don't walk this earthy plain together, I still love you and will forever love you. However, now I have to love you from a distance, from a far. But I will love you forever and always.
Love Forever and Always,
Mom
January 10th, 2012
My Sweet Nora,
You were born on August 9th, 2012. Well, actually, you were never born alive. But, on August 9th, 2012 at 4:30 p.m. you became REAL to me. This is the day your father and I saw you on the sonogram. We had seen you before, but since our last visit you had grown so much. On this day the nurse took your measurements and said you were "perfect". She used that word. I knew then that you were perfect too.
That is the day your dad and I also found out that you were a girl. To be honest with you honey, your dad and I wanted a boy, but over time grew to love the idea of having a beautiful baby girl. Your dad would be such a good "girl" dad. He would just be a good dad in general....but I will tell you more about him later. There is so much wonderful to tell about him.
Anyway, your father and I knew your name already on that day and after the appointment your dad and I agreed, you were Nora Kelly. You would be legally named, Norine Kelly, after my mom, your grandma Geraldine Norine, and your dad's mom, your grandma Barbara Jean (maiden name Kelly). But, we would call you Nora for short.
Your dad and I picked out names weeks before, we made a boy list and a girl list, like expectant parents do. The problem was we only liked one girl name, your name. It came to me one night laying in bed, and I turned to your dad and said, "what about Nora, Nora Kelly". He said, "Yeah, I like it". We never needed to decide on any of the boys names, I guess it was meant to be, to be you, Nora.
Oh, Nora, how I wish I could have the chance to yell down the hall, "Nora Kelly, you get down here" when you were a sassy teenager, but this story doesn't go that far. I have to admit, I used to practice in the car on the way to work, looking in my review mirror and imagining you there in your car seat, and I would say, "Nora Kelly, you're so beautiful," in a funny, high pitched, googly parent voice. I just love the way your name sounds. Did you know that your name means, "Honor", it's also Irish.
I guess I didn't know when naming you, that honoring you is all I would be able to do for you, as the only way for you to live on in our lives and our hearts. Darling, I miss you already. It's been 12 days since you left me, both physically and spiritually, and I miss you more than I ever thought possible.
Your dad misses you too. He misses the chance of never being able to experience you, like I had the privilege to do, with you inside me, sharing the same body. I grieve for him for not having that. Oh, honey, how I wanted to share you with him. He would have been such a good "girl" dad. He was so excited to meet you. We all were, your grandparents, grandma and grandpa F., grandma and grandpa H., Aunt Kristi and Uncle Zach, they are pretty neat. Your cousin Hannah and her mom, your aunt Carmen. Even Georgie, your puppy.
But, you see honey, you never breathed the air of this world. You never saw it's light or heard it's many noises, or smelled it's many smells. Your eyes and mine never met in the outside world. You see honey, the day you were birthed into this world, is also the day you died, in my heart and in life.
Don't worry honey, even though we don't walk this earthy plain together, I still love you and will forever love you. However, now I have to love you from a distance, from a far. But I will love you forever and always.
Love Forever and Always,
Mom
So touching. Some of your feelings are what people think but don't say out loud or to others. It makes you appreciate life around you more. Very moving piece. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. It means a great deal.
DeleteBeautiful words - ones that I often think but don't write. Our son was stillborn on August 17, 2011.
ReplyDeleteMelissa, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. What was his name?
Delete