Sunday, February 23, 2014

Dear Silent Mum...Pregnancy After Loss By Surrogacy

Dear Silent Mum, 

Its alright, you need not explain you see I had four sons who were all stillborn. The tears I have cried could fill an ocean and then some. When each of them entered the world in such silence it is what sets the tone for the coming months; silence and tears. The ache in your heart, the void they left behind when they didn’t stay and a big fat question ‘Why?’ The only answer I could ever find to that question was ‘Why not?’ I would never want anyone else to go through the all-encompassing sorrow of a child dying before you even get a chance to meet him or her. Seeing the perfect little faces and willing their eyes to open, knowing they never will. 

Learning to live without them. This is what happens if you let it, be thankful for the gifts they gave you, the ways you have changed since you were pregnant with them and be grateful for the world in ways you never saw before your child gave you new eyes to see it with. They are not here but that doesn't mean you stop ‘being’. After allowing time to wallow, ponder and cry try to do one thing a day that helps you learn to feel again, to bring you back from the brink of the wasteland of ‘nothingness’ they leave you with. Know that you will see them again, just not now and not soon. Move forward; take one step each day and try not to look back too often. 

This is what I did, how I ‘lived’, it is more than ‘survival’ this is how I stayed alive each time I was shot down by the terrible news that my children wouldn’t survive that they were too little and my placenta was not going to last long enough to get them here. 

Three years ago we started our family, in 2014 we were finally blessed with twins via a surrogate after I decided that three pregnancies and zero children did not bode well from a probability point of view and by some miracle a wonderful lady came into our lives who offered to carry for us. It worked exactly like it was supposed to and these twins stayed. The journey ended where it began (I fell pregnant naturally with twins in my first pregnancy and they died at 25 weeks gestation) 

So here we are a family of six, four of my boys are invisible to this world, but that’s ok.

Love, light and always hope,


Claudia has suffered the loss of four babies: twins Vincenzo and Benedetto, Gabriele and Santino. She writes honestly about coping with grief and fulfilling her dreams by finally taking twins home in January 2014 via a surrogate. You can read more about this extraordinary journey to earth babies here:

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