Relief.
I felt it the minute I heard that Nora had died. Oh, but saying it out loud is scary. It's difficult to share this, and before you judge, please, let me explain. When I was staring at the ultrasound machine as the doctor frantically searched for her heartbeat, before he said the awful words...I knew.
I knew she was dead, but it wasn't confirmed. In those thirty seconds of knowing a truth and not knowing, that is where terror lives. Terror lives in the gray. Not knowing, but having a glimmer of hope that she was alive. That was painful. More painful than knowing one way or the other. Concrete answers give us guidance on how to feel in order to start whatever process needs to begin. But not knowing--no answer at all--that is true agony. So when I heard those worst three words in the world, "no heart beat," I died inside. But I felt relief...for a moment. I was lucky enough to know...
Relief.
I feel it still when I forget, for a split second, that she's dead. When I'm immersing myself in the present moment. Enjoying the here and now. I smile, laugh, and feel a moment of joy in my body. I forget. Forget about the grief, the sorrow, the pain. And for a split second I have a break. I have...
Relief.
And as quick as it came, like a breeze across my cheeks on a cool summer's day, it disappears.
Then it returns, when aunt flow greets me for her monthly visit. You would think I would be sad, sunken deep into sorrow and despair. You might be confused and ask, "Don't you want another child." and I would answer, "Well of course, yes, yes, I do." But the fear of another pregnancy, the anxiety, the struggle, I don't want that. And another few weeks without having to live inside that fear provides me with respite. With...
Relief.
A lie I tell myself. Relief is a two syllable fib. For when will a grieving parent ever again know the true essence of ...
Relief.
A gift I will never get. I hope for...
Relief.
But who am I kidding, relief will never find me again. At least I know this. Strangely, that brings me some...
Relief.
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This post is my BRAVE post as part of an assignment for Liv Lane's course How To Build A Blog You Truly Love. If you would like to read other women's BRAVE post click here. Just a heads up, they are not all about child loss, but surprisingly and unfortunately, a few are. But, all the post are truly courageous and written by BRAVE women.
