Letters to Nora - Mother's Day

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new."

~  Rajneesh

May 12^th, 2013

Mother’s Day

Dear Sweet Nora,

Good morning, little girl.  I miss you today and always.  But today is harder.  Today is Mother’s Day, a day where we celebrate all the moms in the world.  That’s me, your mom.  Did you know that you made me a mommy?!  Yeah, you did that. Cool, huh?  (We should also give your dad some credit, because he kind of helped too).

But because of you Nora, I am a Mom now.  I am still learning what that means.  I’m still trying to wrap my brain around what it’s like to be a Mom.  And now with you gone it makes it double hard, because I don’t really know what it is like to be a Mom.  I am still trying to figure out how to be a mom to you when you are dead.  It’s all very confusing.  But, it’s special too.  

It’s special because you are the first person who made me a mom and no one will ever be able to replace that.  That’s a special kind of relationship.  You changed my life, little girl.  So little, so small, and your time too short in this world.  You were in my life for 284 days.  That’s it, and you turned my whole world around and upside down. In the best way possible!  Even if it hurts sometime, I would do it all again, even if I couldn’t change it. YOU made me a MOM!  That’s pretty big stuff for such a little girl.  (I think you have super powers, Nora!  The super power of love.)

I miss you so much today though.  I didn’t picture Mother’s Day without you.  Honestly, I didn’t picture it at all.  Now it seems empty and lonely when I think of you not here today.  But I want to let you know your dad is taking good care of me.  He was able to bring out the bright spots in the day and some of that emptiness melted away.  We actually had fun.  He made me blueberry chocolate chip pancakes the size of the pan and bought me flowers.  He played music in the kitchen as he cooked and we ate in our pajamas outside on the deck.  He is so talented! He even flipped the pancakes in the pan, with no spatula!  It was amazing.  You would have laughed, we did and high-five.  Your dad makes all of this hard stuff better.

I know the rest of the day might be difficult. But, Nora, it’s only hard because I miss you and love you so much.  And because you changed me in a way I don’t think I will ever be able to be changed again. You have transformed me in ways I didn’t know possible.  Through your love you made me a better person, a different person.  You made me a Mom.  I know what that means now. I didn’t fully understand until you.  Thank you, Nora.  Thank you, for making me a Mom.  It’s the most amazing gift.

Love you and miss you more each day.

Love Always & Forever, 

Mom

Sunday at Grandma's - Mother's Day, by Lindsey (Special Edition)

  "No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you, after all you are the only one who knows how my heart sounds from the inside."

Mother's Day.

I never really put much thought into it.  When I was young, we would buy mom a card. Since her birthday always falls around or on Mother's Day, we would try to convince dad to buy her expensive gifts, like a new couch.  But, as I got older and moved away, I would just make sure that I called mom to say, "Happy Mother's Day" and that would be it.  Now I know there is so much more to it.

It's a day to honor one of the most special relationships you can ever have.  I mean, a child lives inside of their mother.  It's amazing really, when you think about it. We are physically carried into this world by our mothers and if we are fortunate enough, our mother's continue to carry us through life. They are there for us when we fall as we are learning how to walk.  Or when you crash your car at the end of the driveway when you are 16 and she hands you her car keys and makes you drive to school to face your fears. Or when the hardest moment in your life happens, the death of your own child before birth.  She rushes to your side, knocking your husband out of the way and jumps into the hospital bed next to you.  Trying to hold the little girl she still sees in you, trying to be strong, while her heart is breaking for you and for her dreams of being a grandma.

That's my relationship with my mom.  I think I took it for granted all these years.  But, today I want to thank her for being my mom.  For carrying me into this world and through this life.  I will surly miss her in a way that words can not describe when she passes some day, as I am sure she misses her own mother.  But, today I am lucky to have her with me and throughout my life.

When it comes to my relationship with my own daughter, I am not as lucky.  I will never have a Mother's Day with her in my arms.  I will never be able to catch her as she falls while learning to walk.  I will never be able to teach her how to face her fears or hold her to comfort her pain.  When Nora died, a part of me died too.  The part that hoped for and dreamed of being the mom I had to my own daughter.  I grieve this and all the years I will never have to get to know the person she would have become.

However, something magical happened when Nora was delivered into this world. She might not have been alive but a part of me was born even though she had died.  It's as if her death and delivery was my rebirth. My own mother birthed me into this world and carried me through it, but Nora transformed me.  She made me into a mother and cracked me open to all the pain and suffering that is in this life.  Through that suffering, and her, I have found true unconditional love.  A love so deep that even death can not take it away.    

It sounds corny, but I understand the quote now, "No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you, after all you are the only one who knows how my heart sounds from the inside." I get it now.  I know, what it is like to be a mother.  It's a gift.  It's a sacrifice.  It's a wild ride. It's scary as all hell.  It's full of beauty and grace.  It's a mother's love.  It's timeless, endless, and it defies death.  It's the best love there is.

Happy Mother's Day to my mom, to my grandmother, to my mother-in-law, to me, to the moms with living children, and to the moms with children gone too soon.  May peace and happiness find you on this very special of days...

Mother's Day.    

Please Remember Me on Mother's Day

I am dreading this Mother's Day.  I would like to skip it. 

But, I am still a mother and I am choosing to celebrate my different kind of motherhood anyway.  You can help by remembering me this Mother's Day.  Some ways of celebrating for me and with me are listed below.

1. You could send an e-mail or a text.

2. I like plants but flowers are always nice.

3. You could give me a ring.  A call, I mean.  (Jewelry is nice but let's stay on a budget here. You can leave that for my husband! Wink. Wink.)

4. You could write Nora's name somewhere neat and send me a picture.  That's what I'm doing for other mothers in Catherine's Mother's Day Name Event writer of Twinkle of Light, for bereaved mammas like me.

5. You could send the below paragraph to The Ellen Show. Asking her to bring awareness of pregnancy loss and infant death on her show sometime. Click here to cut and past the paragraph into an e-mail to Ellen. Or share your own story and let me know about it.

Hi Ellen,

I wanted to let you know that I believe that pregnancy loss is an important issue to talk about on your show.  One in four women experience pregnancy loss iby miscarriage, pre-term labor, or stillbirth.  I believe your show is the perfect place to bring more awareness to the issue.  You know, October 15th is pregnancy loss awareness day?  You could do something then.  Please remember different kinds of mothers.  Mothers who carry silent grief in their hearts instead of their children in their arms. 

Your Name Here   


6. You could feed the birds in your neighborhood and take a picture for me.  Birds remind me of Nora.

7.  You could spend time with your children if you have them or you could get in touch with your child-like self.  Remembering that children and childhood are a blessing.  Childhood goes by fast and for some it's gone before one can enjoy it.  Let me know what you did.  Even if it was just giving your child a longer hug, or if you don't have kids, fly a kite like you did when you were little and take a pic for me.  Live today to the fullest dedicating it to those who can't.

8. You could pay it forward and dedicate your action to Nora.  Tell me what you did.  Something simple, like paying for the cup of coffee for the person behind you at Starbucks will do.

9.  You could send an extra something to the mother in your life and tell her how lucky you both are to have each other.  Send me a message and tell me about it.

10.  Or finally, you could send in a White Sign of Grief about your love and grief over the loss of your child (or that of Nora) at whitesignsofgrief@gmail.com.

What ever your gesture.  Please Remember Me on Mother's Day.  Oh, and remember your mom and all the other great mothers with children that are living and deceased!!

Much Thanks,

Still Breathing...Lindsey

P.S. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm begging for gifts.  Just letting you know that it's okay to remember me on Mother's Day.  It's not going to bring up painful memories or make me sad if you acknowledge that I am a mother.  Actually, you will bring joy to my heart.


photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/23748404@N00/229735974/">A.Currell</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>

Letters to Nora - April 14th, 2013

April 14th, 2013

Hi My Sweet Nora,

Although it is technically Spring in Minnesota, it has not arrived yet.  It's gray and gloomy and we have about five inches of snow on the ground.  It makes me depressed.  I was hoping for an earlier spring to help me cheer up.  No luck.  

So instead I decided to do an activity to honor you this week.  (I do stuff all the time to honor you, but this one was different).  There's this woman, Ellen, who is this super cool social-activist lady who has a talk show on T.V. that everyone loves.  I love her too, and I heard about this #Whoabelly project she was doing on Instagram for this upcoming Mother's Day, where she has women who are pregnant send in pictures of them with a cool belly shot of them and their baby.  (I have to tell you I've looked at some of these belly shots and our belly shots are way better.) You were the cutest baby.  You made my belly look good!  

But, I thought to myself when I saw these pictures.  Well what about me, Nora?  What about us?  We are still mother and daughter, even though you are no longer with me on earth that doesn't change the fact that I am your mother, right?  I thought you would agree.  So I decided to send pictures of my painted belly to raise awareness about Mothers and Daughters or Sons like you and me.  Mothers who have to parent their children on earth without their babies with them.  

Nora, did you know that 1 out of 4 women experience pregnancy loss from miscarriage, pre-term labor, stillbirth, or other factors?  I did not know this until I lost you at full term.  So I thought we could raise awareness by sending the following picture into the super cool social-activist lady, Ellen, who has that talk show.  

Maybe she would bring light to this subject and dedicate one of her shows to pregnancy loss of all kinds.  She could bring the STILL Project to her show which is a documentary about parents' stories about stillbirth.  Or, she could have the director and writer of Return to Zero interviewed, which is a motion picture being made with Minnie Driver about one family's true story of their life after the stillbirth of their baby.  Or she could highlight the writers of Still Standing Online Magazine who do amazing things for women who experience all types of pregnancy loss including miscarriage.  Or she could work with March of Dimes to help bring awareness to pre-term births and their prevalence.

Unfortunately, this would be fitting, as that super cute mommy who sent in that picture of her belly as an egg in a basket to Ellen and won tickets to her show, lost her baby that same day to what I think is was pre-term labor.  Oh, Nora, how my heart goes out to that mom and dad. So Nora, taking these pictures and sending them to that super cool talk show lady to raise awareness is worth a shot, right?  For your enjoyment honey, I have included more of the  pictures of the belly painting project below.  I hope you like them.

Oh, Nora, I really enjoyed doing this project.  It was a way for me and you to reconnect and for me to imagine you in my belly once again.  But in the end honey, I knew, like your time with me here on earth, it would not last.  After your Aunt was done taking a million pictures of the painting of you on my belly, I hopped in the shower and with one quick gush of water against my stomach, the picture of you washed away with colors swirling in the drain, and in that moment you were gone again.  It was just like our time together before, while you were there I was celebrating and enjoying every moment with you, and then out of nowhere, and in an instant, you were gone and my hopes and dreams for you went down the drain; this time it was the paint.

Well my sweet Nora, I hope you enjoy the pictures.  All this was done out of love for you and to bring light to mother and child relationships like ours, because we really are "different kinds of mothers."  But Nora, I am so proud to be your mother and would do it all over again, even if nothing changed.  

Love Always & Forever,

Mom

P.S. If people believe pregnancy loss would be a good topic for the super cool activist lady's T.V. show, Ellen, then they could e-mail this story to her, or share your own story by clicking here.  

P.P.S. Nora, the super awesome belly painting lady was Cindy Trusty.  She does kids parties too.