The Fairy-Tale Magic of Love and Loss

In life, I have learned, that it is the people you laugh with, cry with, and love that are what makes life amazing.  The friends that make me smile and the family members that I lean on in a time of need are what make life enjoyable and bearable.  But, there is always one person, one person who can make everything else in the world fade away. They make the sunshine, the stars sparkle, and the earth move.  When you are with them you feel like you are flying, you’re so far off the ground you lose touch with reality and that is where you want to stay.  You can look into their eyes and see your whole world. 

 Eye Art by Svenja Jödicke

This person for me is Nick, my husband.  I knew the minute I met him something magical was to begin.  I walked up to him on our first date, not having met in person yet, and he turned to meet my eyes and his face glowed and his smile grew.  In that moment he gave it away.   I knew he was hooked!  But, it took me a minute or two to realize that I was the one who was falling head over heels in love.

Since that day, five years ago, Nick has brought magic into my life.  No, he is not a real magician; he doesn’t even know how to shuffle a deck of cards.  But, his magic is a deeper kind.   His enchantment is filled with love.  

That is why I die a little inside every day, knowing that I was not able to bring the magical creature made from our love into this world.  I miss her, yes, but I miss all the magic of love she created.  I wanted to revel in her magical essence in my arms, not only in my heart. I wanted Nick and me to be able to do this for the rest of our lives together. We eagerly anticipated doing so, hoping to watch her grow out of the love that Nick and I share for each other. Our love, it’s a fairy-tale love that deserves a happy ending.  

 "Pure Love" Artwork by Mila at Fairy Drop Studio's on Etsy

We didn’t get it.   That didn’t happen.

At times, I feel as if I am the cursed one in this fairy-tale and by loving me, maybe my husband is cursed too.  My womb is the killer in this story.  He is the victim, along with my beautiful daughter.  My body is the evil witch. 

 

I guess what I am saying is that I so hoped that I could be the fairy-tale princess that lives a charmed life with her handsome prince and her child in her arms when (THE END) flashes on the screen. (It’s curious when I think about it, why do they always end the story there?) Oh, because sh** gets messy!  Even charmed lives have moments of being unlucky.   

 Art by Paper Wings Production

But, who is to say that the story is really over.  Our marriage isn’t.  Our love is still magical and even more beautiful than before.  Maybe we are in the middle of our story.  Maybe Nick and I will slay the evil dragon, or kill that bitch of a witch, with the power of our true love. Because I still see the whole world in Nick’s eyes.  The possibility.  The love.  I know that Nick really doesn’t have magical powers that make the sun shine, the stars sparkle, and the earth move.  But his love sure does feel like magic. 

I hope ourfairy-tale ends more like the nursery rhyme, The Old Woman Who Lives in the Shoe.  With a revised ending of course, Nick would be there too.  We will have so many children we don’t know what to do, and our shoe is going to be the a primo expensive shoe, Manolo Blahnik’s $14,000 stiletto boot, baby!   

  

Picture from Forbes.com

The Bonds of Marriage We Have Made

Today I am going to be BOLD!  I am going to take a break from my grief and honor my husband and marriage instead. Marriage needs attention during grief.  I plan on giving mine some today.



According to the pamphlet, "Fathers Grieve, Too."  Some things to do to nurture your relationship and/or marriage after the death of your child include remembering:

• It's Important to keep on "dating"...even now. (Nick and I are going to go for a walk around the lake this weekend where we got married to celebrate us.)
• Talk about how you met.  Remember how you fell in love. (Online dating.  Oh, we talk about it still.  And laugh.)
• Share what you like about each other. (I like his smile, his smell, his sense of humor, his eyes, his intelligence, oh, I could go on forever.)
• Touch and hold each other. (We hold hands all the time still. I hope to be the one holding his hand when he or I pass away.)

I am going to be BOLD and do these things today, on our two year anniversary.

A Message to My Husband On Our Anniversary 

Dear Nicholas,

We have been married two years, honey.  I believe I have "chosen wisely" when it comes to you.  Thank you, Nicholas, for being the man I always knew you were when I met you and when I married you. 

You are truly my best friend, lover, husband, and dare I say it, Soul mate. 

I love you more and more each day and I am so proud of the beautiful little girl we created together.  Thank you for her. Thank you for us.

I love the poems we chose to share during our wedding day and I will share with you one today. 

On Marriage
 Kahlil Gibran

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.


Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each others shadow.

Honey, I give my heart to you and in our love and grief we stand together but never too near.  I believe because of this we have become the pillars of the temple, and we grow like oak trees not in each other's shadow, but from each other's light.  

And from my speech at our wedding I will close again the same way I did two years ago today,

"Finally, most importantly, thank you to Nicholas, for loving me, agreeing to marry me, and to spend the rest of his life with me."

Love Always & Forever,

Lindsey

P.S. Happy Birthday, My Love.

Dad’s & Grief: An Interview with a Grieving Dad.

Today I will be interviewing my wonderful husband, Nicholas Henke, on what it is like to be a bereaved dad after the stillbirth of our daughter, Nora.

Lindsey: Thanks for taking on the task of representing grieving fathers and for being willing to share your answers with others as I know you are more of a private griever.  This is a big stretch for you in your grief process.  I appreciate your willingness to do this.

Nick: I'm happy to help out.  Hopefully, other grieving fathers will realize it's okay to talk openly about it too.

Lindsey: So let's get to it. What is it like for you to be a grieving dad?

Nick: All I can do is really give you examples.  I notice that there are certain triggers that come now and then. Like when I interact with my friends and coworkers about their children.  It usually doesn't bother me but when one of them mentions their real young daughter, when they talk about their daughters, I become less engaged in the conversation.  That one hits closer to home.  Also, seeing kids at the store or park or something isn’t too bad either.  But again, little baby girls, that’s a trigger I guess.  Or it cues me to think about what happened to us and what Nora might be like now and as she gets older.

Lindsey: Okay, sometimes I know I need to be more specific in the questions I ask you in order to get the answers I am looking for. (That also might be a difference in gender too.)  So now I want to know, how does it feel to be a grieving dad?

Nick: It’s tough, confusing, I don’t know if I consider myself a dad. I like to consider myself a dad but…I don't know. I think as a man you are expected to be stronger and not show emotions. Typically I don’t get overwhelmed by the emotion of grief or sadness when I’m out in public, but sometimes when I am at home the flood of emotions comes easier, maybe because it’s safer at home to grieve. I also think being a guy, other guys don’t, or aren’t, comfortable with emotions.  I’m not comfortable talking about grieving in general.  My friends will ask how I’m doing and I'll say, "OK" or "fine."  I think some want a real answer and some don’t. I think it's not really expected that I talk about how I feel or if I'm having a bad day.

Lindsey: Are you okay with that?  That you perceive that it is not really expected that you talk about how you feel? 

Nick: You're always wearing your therapist cap, aren't you?  (He said this with a playful smile).  

Lindsey:  So to wrap it up, because I know you are a man of few words.  Do you have any advice for grieving dads?

Nick: Find people that you can talk to.  Hopefully it is your spouse or significant other.  Hopefully you have friends close enough, family close enough, that you can talk to about these things too. Find some way to actively grieve, something I think I 'm still struggling with.  I don’t know how to actively grieve.  I don’t know what that means really. 

Lindsey: Thanks Nick, for participating today.  I think you gave others a needed glimpse into what it is like to be a grieving dad.  

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If you are a grieving dad, or a partner to a grieving dad, below are some great resources to check out and help both of you understand more about what it's like to be a bereaved father. 

Resources:
Healing A Father's Grief, by William H. Schatz
Strong and Tender: A Guide For Fathers Whose Baby Has Died, by Pat Schwiebert
Still Standing Magazine : Author Paul De Leon's Articles on Being a Father of Child Loss

Women & Men, We Grieve Differently

She Grieves...with words and feelings.

He Grieves...with space and silence.

They Both Grieve...sometimes together, sometimes apart.

But They Both Grieve.

I believe that how we communicate in life is how we communicate in grief.  Remember when you started dating and you would read articles in Cosmopolitan Magazine about how men communicate like this and you, as a woman, communicate like that. Well, there is some truth to these articles.  Men and women communicate differently.

And that isn't going to change when it comes to grief.

Nick and I went to a support group that focused on the differences in the way men and woman grieve.  The men and women were split into groups by gender and asked what they wanted their partner to know about their grieving process.  Here is what we learned about the opposite sex:

Men

·         Need more breaks.

·         Can’t always talk about it.

·         I need to NOT talk about it.

·         It’s hard to verbalize feelings.

·         It’s difficult to describe how I feel.

·         I feel I need to protect you and can’t.

·         Sometimes I need to be alone.

·         Sometimes I can’t stand hearing about it.

·         Sometimes I need to be together without talking.

·         I like to focus on things we can control.

·         Working out and going for walks help.

·         Organizing and cleaning helps, it gives me a sense of control.  I need that.

·         I can’t tell you my feelings “on demand."

·         Sometimes I say things that were meant to be comforting but didn’t turn out that way to you.

·         I think more, talk less.

·         I think about our child every day.

·         Life seems scary now.

·         As a guy, I don’t always know what I want or need.

Women

·         It’s ALWAYS on my mind.

·         I need to talk, sometimes over and over again.

·         I need to cry.

·         Please don’t feel like you need to FIX it, you can’t.

·         I need to process my birth story.

·         You don’t need to be in control.

·         I need open communication between us.

·         Please, tell me how you feel, I want to know.

·         I need to know you think about our child and haven’t forgotten.

·         I sometimes obsess about another pregnancy.

·         It’s okay that it’s not okay.

·         I still have a maternal instinct that needs to be filled.

·         I worry. A LOT.

·         I feel like a failure.

·         I sometimes blame myself.

·         I can’t always control my grief.

·         I like it when I can talk to you about my grief.

 

Grief, like a relationship, is a dance and sometimes we will step on each others toes as we learn the moves.  But if we are aware of each others actions and communicate with our partner about what step is next, we will eventually learn how to waltz together through grief.