Sunday's at Grandma's - Nora's Tree at Grandma Gerry's House

My BF Holly has been great in helping me grieve Nora’s loss.  She took me antiquing this past summer to Beloit with a mission to look for items for Nora’s garden.  I did find children’s blocks to spell out Nora’s name, but nothing else seemed to catch me eye.  We were in one of the last booths of the antique mall when Holly called my name to show me something.  I don’t remember what it was—probably something outlandish to make me laugh—but I do remember the moment I turned around to see what she was talking about.  Above her head on  top of a shelf in the booth we had just left, was a beautiful white Christmas tree.  The moment I saw the tree I knew I wanted it for Nora.  But I was hesitant to buy it.  We left without the tree, although I did snap a picture of it.

I went back to Beloit less than a week later and purchased it.  Even though it was August, I put it together and set it next to the fireplace to get a good look at it.  It was missing one branch and another one had some sticky, gooey stuff on it.  To me, it was perfect.  I left it up for a couple of days while I figured out how I wanted to decorate it.  Holly, who is an expert at home decorating, recommended that I use white lights and my antique ornaments.  I loved the idea.  I just happened to be grocery shopping a couple of days later  when I spotted a magazine that featured ‘vintage Christmas’.  I purchased it.  Within those pages I found the inspiration for the look I was after—an eclectic mix of old and new.

Kristi came home in October and we decided to go shopping for ornaments for Nora’s tree.  We were in the antique mall no more than 5 minutes when we came upon some perfect ornaments.  After purchasing about a baker’s dozen, we headed to Hobby Lobby to find some new ornaments that would complement the antique ones we had just purchased.  We chose pink in shiny and satin finishes to honor Nora, along with some chartreuse green ones. 

I knew I would need more ornaments and was not inclined to visit every antique mall in the county, so I did the next best thing, and went on ebay.  I found a variety of wonderful shiny brites and flocked ornaments to complement those that I already purchased.

I put up Nora’s tree in Lindsey’s room of our house.  The cords of the white lights stood out too much when I wound the lights around the tree; so instead, I wound the lights around the tree trunk.  I then put on all of the ornaments, 126 in all—at least that is what I think.  I had bought a new package of ornament hooks and it claimed to have 125 pieces and I used them all up. I had one ornament that came with a hook.  It is a beautiful tree, and all the more beautiful because it is in honor of Nora.

I went to Holly’s house to scrapbook recently.  She handed me a small paper bag and said it was her contribution to Nora’s tree.  It is perhaps, the most beautiful of all the ornaments.  I can see in my mind, our darling granddaughter Nora, looking at the tree in childlike wonder.  Happy Christmas Nora.     

Knocked Up Blogger Post: Week 22 Reassurance

This past week was a rough one!  I needed A LOT of reassurance.  Read all about it in my Knocked Up Blogger Post for Week 22 through Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine by clicking here.

This past week was a rough one for me. I had a lot of digestive issues that led to an upset stomach over the past weekend, and then on Tuesday my stomach issues developed into belly cramps. I called the nurse line on Tuesday night, after clinic hours and asked what I should do, as I could not tell the difference between just belly cramps or preterm labor. So, the nurse had me come into the hospital for a routine check. My anxiety was high, but I went anyway.

We got to the hospital, and after some monitoring of baby’s heartbeat and monitoring for contractions, we learned that everything was fine with baby and with me. I was not having preterm labor. Rather, the doctor explained that I probably have irritable bowel syndrome. After hearing that, a part of me felt foolish, I felt like I had wasted the good doctors and nurses’ time with my silly fears that turned out to be nothing. I voiced this concern to the doctor and found myself apologizing over and over again for coming in.

Finally, the doctor said something to this effect, “After what has happened to you, it is normal to be concerned. It’s normal to want to be reassured and we can do that. Even if you had never experienced a pregnancy loss, it’s STILL normal for a pregnant woman to need reassurance. If you need to come back 20 more times before the end of your pregnancy, you can. That’s what we are here for.” The beautiful doctor leaned in and gave me a hug and after hearing her words of permission to not “be okay” all the time, to not have to be “strong” every minute, tears began to fall as she embraced me with genuine concern. Nick even told me later as we drove home in the car that he got misty eyed seeing the doctor give me a hug. A big, compassionate, what I needed in that moment, long hug; writing about it now still makes me tear up.

The lesson I have learned is that it is okay to not be okay during a pregnancy after a loss. I don’t always have to be strong and hold in my feelings that I am scared to death, that each day is filled with anxiety and fear, and that I can rely on others to help provide a moment of reassurance that I am doing the best I can with what I have. With reassurance that it’s okay to not be okay.

Knocked Up Blogger Week 21: Planning for a future that's not guaranteed.

This week in Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine's Knocked Up Blogger post I discuss how we plan for a future with baby #2 when we now know a future is not necessarily guaranteed.  Click here to see how planning for a future with a baby after the loss of your first one changes.

How do you plan for a future with another child after realizing that pregnancy isn't a promise and that a future with baby isn't a sure thing. 

It is difficult planning for a future with the baby you’re expecting after a loss. The expecting industry, pregnancy magazines (like this one that I am honored to write for and are courageous enough to bring the reality of pregnancy loss to light in their magazine), pregnancy books, and even our OBGYN’s try hard to reassure us that once we get the two pink lines on the pregnancy test it means you should plan on walking home with a bundle of joy in your arms. Well, unfortunately as a mom pregnant again after loss, I don’t have the luxury of believing this beautiful fairy tale that I once so desperately wanted to embrace.

Now, I want you to know excitement is still there, one can be joyful about a subsequent pregnancy, but in all honesty every step I take into joy and thinking about future happiness with a living baby, I take three big leaps back into fear. Fear of envisioning a happy future for myself holding a baby when I know my dreams are not guaranteed. So how do I plan for a life with a baby that’s not certain? Very carefully and I do so in a cautiously optimistic (and sometimes not so optimistic) manner. Here are three ways that planning for a baby after a loss is different than if you never experienced one.

#1. Your language is different. I start sentences with “If this baby lives…” when planning for the future events after delivery. It works like this in conversations with my loved ones, “If this baby lives then we will register for the dependent care at work, or search for daycares, or get child locks on the knives drawer in the kitchen.” It’s never “When the baby is here” anymore.

#2. Instead of nesting you’re just resting. There is no planning for the nursery, buying baby items, or accepting “mommy and daddy’s little girl” onesies as Christmas gifts while still pregnant. Heck even buying maternity close is heartbreaking and something I try to avoid as I always carry the thought in the back if my mind “Will I need this tomorrow?” Sure, you pounder the idea of making a change to the nursery or you know you should buy a car seat so you can bring the baby home. But the moment the thought crosses your mind you think you have jinxed yourself. I might change the nursery or buy a new baby outfit down the road, but the thought of doing so is terrifying. And don’t even get me started on the car seat. Something about that car seat makes me hesitant to even think about until she’s here. I already have visions of sending Nick out after the baby is born alive and in good health to purchase one. We will NOT be bringing one with us to the hospital, as seeing the empty car seat on the way home last time was heartbreaking.

#3. You don’t talk about your big belly with anyone. Questions about your pregnancy are now often dodged and not happily welcomed like they were once before. You keep your pregnancy secret longer, fearing to share the news with others as it might cause them discomfort. Even worse, you wonder if your growing belly now makes them think you are over the loss of your other child and you fear that your first child is overshadowed by the one now in your belly. Easy questions like, “Is this your first?” and “What number is this one?” become daunting to try to respond to, and at times a haunting reminder of your loss. One day you might respond with “Yes, it’s my first,” and then next day it’s “No, my first baby died.”  There are no more “easy” conversations this time around so you just choose not to talk about it.

That is how life with baby No. 2 is different for me now. Each day I lean into being cautiously optimistic, letting some room in for making plans for the future, mostly immediate ones like planning the next prenatal appointment or buying that bigger maternity shirt. However, plans farther than two weeks or a month in advance, I don’t really pounder. I live more in the moment and enjoy ever kick, move, and present delight in the here and now, holding on to hope that maybe this baby will come home in the car seat that we buy after she is born.

How do you plan for a future with a baby when you know it might not be guaranteed?

Knocked Up Blogger Post Week 20 Mustache or Lips? Boy or Girl?

Today we reveal the gender of baby #2 in the Knocked Up Blogger Week 20 post. (SO EXCITING!!!)  What do you think the gender of the baby is mustache or lips?  Click here to find out.

“Do you want a boy or girl this time?” I asked my husband about two months into this pregnancy.

“I don’t care, as long as it’s healthy,” He replied.

Frustrated with his lack of playfulness and a safe response I pushed the question again, “No really, what would you prefer a boy or a girl?”

He took a deep breath and then spoke the beautiful truth I had been waiting for him to say, “I kind of hope it’s a girl. I don’t know…maybe if it were a girl…I know it sounds crazy, but maybe…maybe…it would be like Nora is coming back to us in a way. I know we can’t replace her, but maybe it would feel like that.”

I replied with a smile and a big hug. Secretly inside I was confused on the subject. Oh, how I agreed with Nick and wanted a girl, since our first little girl we lost before she was born. Having a girl would not make it better as Nick said so well, but it would fill a space in our hearts that was expecting a sweet little daughter to hold. But a part of me was scared to want a girl again. I thought that if this baby was to be a boy the outcome would for sure be different. If it were to be a boy somehow this baby would live and the fear of reenacting last pregnancy’s events would be less likely to happen. A boy in my mind meant things would be safe. I know all of this is being superstitious, but these are the thoughts I have now, now that my pregnancy and parenting innocence are gone.

So last week when Nick and I held hands, excited and terrified as we watched the ultrasound technician  preform the 20 week scan we both were relieved to hear the baby was healthy and that the gender we wanted was in fact what our baby would be. We also decided to take this opportunity to lean into excitement and celebrate the blessings of this new baby by announcing the gender to our families in a fun and silly way. We kept the gender secret for two whole days and played this little game with both of our families on Thanksgiving Day. It was a great way to show that, even in our grief, we have so much to be thankful for and that we are learning to hold space for cautious anticipation and even happiness.

The game is below. Scroll down and through the pictures you will see how to play the game and the big reveal of the gender of baby No. 2.

A Bereaved Mother's Christmas Wish List - A Still Standing Post

Today I'm writing about my holiday wishes over at Still Standing Magazine.  Wish #1. I wish my child lived....

Check it out by clicking here.

What would be on your Bereaved Parent Wish List this year?